Trimming Down the World:
My Friend AIDS

God Bless AIDS.

Do you know how many people are on this stinking planet? Too many—that's how many.

Now, some asshole Fundamentalist Christians might tell you that God gave us AIDS to kill off all those pesky queers and blacks and jews and what-have-you. Could be. Some Conspiracists might tell you that The Man slipped AIDS out of a beaker in order to kill off the ______ (fill in the blank: Black Man, Gays, etc.) Could be. Some downright stupid people—like my 80 year-old grandmother—might tell you that the ______ ("coloreds," from my grandmother) "brought it over with them and spread it when they started sleeping with our white women." Could be.

I don't know how it got here, and I don't care. It's here. And it's here to stay. And it's about time.

I don't have AIDS. And unless I get a bad transfusion, or someone bleeds on me in a barfight, I won't be getting AIDS. My girlfriend is clean. I'm clean. We don't fuck anyone else. Period. I can talk like this because I'm not really at risk. Maybe I'll somehow catch AIDS down the line, as a kind of poetic justice. Could be. Then you can laugh all you want. But I won't be around to hear it. I will have shot myself well before the pneumonia sets in.

Enough. Let's say there's 4 billion people on the planet. 4,000,000,000. There's about 250 million Americans. 250,000,000. But with all these people, I only care about 2 dozen or so. 24. And most of these people I COULD live without, if had to. Sorry, but it's true—you'd do the same to me. So there are, really, only 4 or 5 people I'd mourn more than a day or two.

So what about the other 4 billion? LET THEM DIE.

I don't care if you're straight or queer. Black or white, etc. I don't care what you do for a living. I don't care about your socio-economic background. You're going to die because you're stupid. And that, for my money, is the best modern proof of evolution.

Only those strong enough will survive, right? Well, maybe in our cerebral modernism, we can change that to: Only those smart enough to stop fucking whores and strangers at bars will survive. You got AIDS from a blood transfusion? Sorry, but yer dead. Your wife got AIDS from her dentist and unwittingly gave it to you? Yeh, sure she did. SHE'S A FUCKING WHORE, PAL. SHE WAS PROBABLY FUCKING YOUR BEST FRIEND WHO WAS FUCKING WHORES ON BUSINESS TRIPS AND IT'S TOUGH SHIT. Got me? TOUGH FUCKING SHIT.

It's a shame so many gay guys got AIDS. They didn't deserve it. They just got it first. Sorry, guys. But you should be smart enough now, right? Stop fucking through glory holes? Stop sucking cocks in bathrooms? Good. You don't deserve any more dying than the straights.

It's about time to even out the playing field. It's time for the straights to start dropping. All the straights who figured the gays got it. All the suburban white motherfuckers who thought it was a City problem. All those fucking Catholics who listened to the Pope and didn't cover their cocks, but kept fucking strangers every other night. All those stupid fucking CATHOLICS who were STUPID ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO THAT FUCKING POPE. Yeh, that's right. The FUCKING POPE who gets his orders from JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HIMSELF. Too far? Fuck you. The Pope tells people "no rubbers." Good. Listen to him. That's evolution, baby. Anyone STUPID enough to listen to the fucking POPE and catches AIDS as a result SHOULD NOT SHARE THIS PLANET WITH THE REST OF US. Go die. And then give me a call from Heaven. Call me collect. I dare you.

Face it. Stupid people, male and female, deserve to catch AIDS. The stupid fucking people who go out, get drunk and either put their bare cocks into cunts, or take bare cocks into their cunts. Am I advocating Safe Sex? No. I couldn't give a fuck. Go ahead and spread it around. More real estate for me. More room for me to live in. Less stupid people driving at rush hour. Less bad music. Less bad fiction. Less bad poetry. Evolution at work. Desaturation.

There is one flaw though: slow death. The agony of a lingering death is fine, but the cost is for shit. In 5 or 10 years, every fucking hospital in this country is gonna be packed with people dying of AIDS. Nice suburban heterosexuals, dropping off like gays in '88. And these lily-white motherfuckers better have good health insurance, because it's a long, expensive trip to the morgue when Mr. AIDS is pushing the cart. Don't expect me pay your way. I refuse.

I'm not looking to exterminate anybody in particular. No Master Race. No selective breeding or selective killing. I'm not picky. If we could eliminate a proportioned amount of people from EVERY ETHNICITY, EVERY RELIGION (well, actually, let the Catholics go en masse) and EVERY WALK OF LIFE, then I'll be happy. I don't want an all-white world. Or an all-anything world. I just want LESS PEOPLE. It's like that fucked up pair of scissors at the barbers: one half has an edge, the other has a comb. It thins out your hair. AIDS is that comb, thinning out the population.

I'm not heartless. It is a shame that people have to die, ON AN INDIVIDUAL LEVEL. I know some people will read this and be angry with me. Maybe more upset than angry. Sure, you lost a friend, a lover, a brother or sister. And I'm sorry you were hurt. But, well, that's it. Tough shit. Don't write me. Don't do anything. Just don't catch it, eh? I'm sure to lose some people I care about in the next 10 or 20 years. Shit, I'll be sorry to see them go. But, if they were fucking around, or stupid enough to fuck someone who was fucking around, then tough shit. Good bye. You saw the news, didn't you? You knew it was going around, didn't you? Sure you did, asshole. Put me in your will.

So that's that. The gays should be free and clear once everyone already infected dies. The i.v. drug users should be gone soon too. Then the fun starts: Family Men, Trusting Wives, Stupid Teenagers, Self-Righteous Christians, Politicians, ad nauseam.
And me and my girl will be waiting. 250 million stinkin' Americans. We're gonna lose 50 million, easy, before it's all over. And worldwide? Shit. We might make it back down to 3.5 billion. That would be nice. That would give us a little breathing room. A little more space to live, and maybe raise some kids. Some smart kids.

Bye bye.