Note: Written in Spring, 1994

Corpse-Watch 2000
Who's Gonna Make It? Who's Already Gone?

Celebrity Death--favorite topic of lunchroom conversation--holds a particular fascination for me. So, in this section, I provide a rather haphazard list of people for whom I: 1) predict an imminent death, 2) wish a particular longevity, or 3) remember with an offhand respect. Follow this key:

Place Your Bets! Only 6 Years to Go!

Mohammed Ali
(b. 1942)
"Float like a butterfly,
Sting like a bee."
Sink into the ground like a big, dead, paralyzed
ex-punching bag. Lucky for him, he'll die soon.

Brat Pack, The
(b. 1985–release of St. Elmo's Fire)
And I don't care which one. Take any of them. Emilio. Rob. Tom. Ally. Demi. Andrew. Judd. And you can throw in Molly Ringwald and Charlie Sheen, just to be thorough. On gut instinct alone, I'm saying that at least one of them will die in an auto crash in the next 6 years. Personally, I hope that Emilio, Charlie and Tom are together when it happens. Oh, and did I mention the sooner the better?

James Brown
(b. 5-3-1934; or 5-3-33, or 6-17-39)
JB's got a new dime bag, baby, and you know what's in it?PCP. Fucking PCP. Who the fuck does PCP any more?James Brown, that's who--in 1988, at least. Clean now--says him. Judging from his past performances with guns and cars, I'm not sure how he's more likely to die: vehicular suicide, police shooting, or a chemical breakdown. He's likely to go, though. Hee-yeah.

Charles Bukowski
(b. 1919)
With enough living under his belt for 20 of you soft-bellied, Heineken-drinking pussies, Hank could suck down 3 bottles of red & write 5 poems that'd put your Hallmark rhymes to shame. Sure, Sept. Stew (1990) sucked, but Last Night of the Earth Poems (1992) was perfect. When my grandfather died a year ago, they held his wake across the street from his favorite bar. I sure hope they did the same for Hank.

George Burns
(b. 1-20-1896)
At press time, the old codger is still kicking. They say he's got his 100th birthday booked. That's 3 long, tired, medicated years away. I hope they didn't give him an advance. Say Goodnight, Gracie. Goodnight, George. Whoops.

Sammy Davis, Jr.
(b. 12-8-25)

Word is that Sammy weighed less than his age, which was 64, at the time of his death. No shit. Only the oldest, skinniest corpses can pull that off. The heaviest part of his body was probably his glass eye, which I hope some mortician's assistant had the good sense to remove as a keepsake. It'd be a waste to bury it.

Jerry Garcia
(b. 1942)
Longtime figurehead for a dope smoking, blotter
sucking, dance-in-the-aisles sold-out hippie
culture, Jerry is now paying for the finest doctors & prescription drugs with the cash you spent on a stadium seat in '72, or '79, or '84, or '92. Don't tell me how incomparably communal you felt after that mesc; I dropped a tab, watched the "Mary Tyler Moore Show" and FELT THE SAME WAY. All for the cost of a cheap tab, not marked up by some 40 year old hippie fuck in a Saab.

Magic Johnson
(b. 1959)
A hero. Hero? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? This big, dumb, ignorant asshole indiscriminately spreads AIDS to countless women, but because he had the "courage" to tell everyone--including the legion of women he's sentenced to death--on national tv--you now tell your kids that he's a fucking hero? The only bad thing about his imminent demise is the inevitable escalation of his idolatry. In exchange, I wish upon him a slow, lingering, hospitalized death. I just hope he lasts a few years after the AIDS kicks in. Wasting away, continually sick; just like everyone else with the disease. He ain't special, kids. He's just famous. And stupid. That's all.

Tom Jones
(b. 6-7-1940)
What's new, Pussycat? With luck, the turned dirt of your grave, Tom. The worst example of the Dean Martin inheritors, Tom Jones continues to live on 2 hits. Ugly as sin, struggling to convince the world that he's still a sex symbol, Tom recently did the talk show circuit and had a couple sitcom cameos. Forget it, Tom. Go join your career in the morgue.

Peggy Lee
(b. 5-526-1920)
Ah, Peggy, I'd love to see you live forever. But, from the looks of you at the NYC Hilton engagement 2 summers ago, you ain't gonna be crooning me into the 21st Century. Is that all there is? The 20th Century? Afraid so, Peg.

Rush Limbaugh
(birthdate withheld)
The misinformation mouthpiece for racist, reactionary, conservative Americans, Rush Limbaugh can go fuck himself with a rusty pick axe. While I ain't no radical left-winger, Rush sure as fuck ain't my spokesman. Fortunately, it's a race to see which'll crap out first: his heart, or his career. Personally, I'd like to see the big fat bastard hit rock bottom, supporting himself doing supermarket appearances, then die in a government-subsidized hospital.

Ross Perot
(b. 6-27-1930)
Little fascist bastard. If he'd been running the Post Office, he'd've long ago been the target of a disgruntled worker. This man will not live into the 21st century; someone is bound to kill him just to shut him the fuck up. Maybe they'll bomb the Larry King Show and give us that little bonus.

Iggy Pop
(b. 1947)
The Hank Bukowski of the punk rock community, this man should have died decades ago. But, on the straight & narrow, Iggy seems to have many more years ahead of him. Many more dreary years of watery college-rock hits and duets with boring alternative-pop singers. Suck it up, kids.

Nancy Reagan
(b. 7-6-1923)
Actual quote:"I wanted to do something until I found the man Iwanted to marry." I find Nancy Reagan utterly reprehensible. With luck, she'll have been the last of the white, upper class, self-righteous First Ladies. Take a look at yourself, Nancy. You're a morally bankrupt, hypocritical, close-minded old goat. Your death will be my holiday, you bitch.

Keanu Reeves
(b. 9-2-1964)
And I don't care what cool garage band you've formed, Keanu. After Point Break, Dracula and whatever other embarrassment will be out by press time, death'd be a good career move. Would've been a
BETTER career move right after River's Edge, but you made 2 common errors: mistaking good writing for good acting, and attributing a film's success to an actor's (alleged) talent.

Satan
(b. 1969–release of Black Sabbath)
Satan the Heavy Metal icon, that is. Satan, as the origin of that bad word "satanic." Satan, the Devil, as an over-wrought, "I'm so evil because I worship Satan" caricature. If we could kill the Devil personae, then maybe there'd be less annoying teenagers & self-idolizing rebels out there.

Frank Sinatra
(b. 12-12-1915)
Sure, he's falling over himself onstage. Sure, he can't remember his lyrics. Sure, he's almost 80. But I suspect The Chairman of the Board will be warm well past the advent of the Millennium. Why? There's just too many middle-aged Italian men praying to their OTHER God for Frank's good health. And I hope he does make it. Maybe by then I'll have saved enough money to buy a ticket to one of his shows.

Frank Zappa
(b. 12-21-1940)
Good riddance.

PS: Must Mention

Natalie Merchant
Just please shut the fuck up. Just keep quiet. Your voice grates me.

Laurie Anderson
You and Tim Leary. Brave New Artists of BlabberSpace. Go do something useful.

Courtney Love
Boo Hoo. "Double suicide" mean anything to you?

Liz Taylor
Growing old is tough, eh? You old hag. Dead by 2000. Easy.

Hillary Clinton
Finally a good role model for women of all ages, and the fucking men in this country need to rip her apart. Now, I don't want her dead (Did you hear that mein gov't? NOT A THREAT!) but I'm afraid some backwoods hick motherfucker will shoot her because he's too insecure to face the reality of women's equality. Slim chance of it happening, BUT you heard it here first.

Olsen Twins
Wishful: Twin cases of bone marrow cancer. before they start making Movies of the Week.

Rikki Rachtman
Pretend you're that prick who used to host 120 Minutes: get a big head, quit MTV and fall into obscurity on some late-night, shit video show. Then kill yourself like the rock star you want to be.

Bob Dole
Will someone in their right mind please martyr themselves and kill this fucker? (Hmm…now THAT might be a threat. Not directly. I'M not going to try to kill him… but I am asking someone else to... can the FBI take away my passport for this?)

Pearl Jam
You're about as punk rock as The Go Go's were: you might have started out that way, but you sure didn't stay there when the record deals started walking down your street. I want the band to break up and Eddie to die. Sorry, kids.