Crank #1 - Some of the Best Crap that I Own

Some of the Best Crap that I Own

I've been accumulating shit for just about 10 years. It comes and goes, you know? It gets broken, gets lost or gets sold. Some things, though, you hold onto--or keep collecting--because you never get bored with it. Here are 4 examples of what I mean.

"Serenades for Sex Kittens"
Carlton Record Corporation, no year

An entire album of smarmy, lady-killer instrumental tunes performed by Dante & His Orchestra, this album defines an era of koo-koo girlies runnin' wild with the boys. Estimated production date of 1963, "Serenades for Sex Kittens" features the following back cover copy: "SEX KITTENS"...modern myrrh and mischief...flat-tummied, twin-turreted gamins...moist pouted underlips...amoral pixies and confused carnivores; stuffed animals...jazz and racing cars...lazy, lithe child wastrels...sic transit GINA and MARILYN swiftly now, cross over the BRIGITTE. Lush the sex kittens; lush their serenades...zee melodies Americaine burst like grapeseeds from Paris terraces... sweeping strings, tres hi fi, society brisk...whirring, purring... gay, cyclical Sartrian strains...hers all hers...her manner, her madness...HER MUSIC. - jay arcy"

To have lived the life of these liner notes! Where have all the chickies gone? To be so swank, so debonair! Note: the ellipses are the author's originals. There are no typographical errors. If Jay Arcy is still alive, please have him call me so we can talk about this twin-turreted thing. You won't find this album in "The Glory That is STILL Vinyl," because it's too fucking good to be mocked.

Mint Condition, $1.00, some Center City book store, Philadelphia.

"The Muddler" (aka "Nite Club")
1953, Ade-O-Matic Company, Chic., Il.

Described on its cardboard tube/package as "an ingenious, easy-to-use multi-purpose opener," this multi-talented utensil can open just about anything: beer bottles, food jars, juice cans, buckets of paint, what-have-you. But, that's not all! Also advertised as a "muddler," this is the object you should use to "muddle," or crush, your fruits and garnishes prior to mixing your favorite cocktails. Hence, it's common name. In our service, The Muddler has recently been used to hammer nails, remove nails, pry apart two boards, brain a mouse and scare two brats down the block. God help the thief unfortunate enough to meet me and The Muddler; I'll open up his fucking skull.

Purchased UN-FUCKING-USED at The Morris Mission, Morristown, NJ — $1.00

"The Holy Hologram"
Origin unknown. Production year unknown.

The crowning jewel of my apartment, this back-lit, glass hologram of The Last Supper never fails to elicit compliments and cash offers. With a 100 Watt display bulb that threatens to burn a hole through the faux-gold frame, this ain't no Cracker Jack turn back-and-forth hologram. Mix yourself a Rob Roy, turn down the lights, slap on "Serenades for Sex Kittens," and let a soon-to-die Jesus light up the room. It is a truly amazing piece—you've seen the painting, but with The Holy Hologram, it's like being there.

Good Condition, $4.00 (bargained from $5.00), Garage Sale, Central New Jersey.

"Whipped Cream & Other Delights"
Herb Alpert's Tijuana Brass -- A&M Records, 17 copies

Sure, the album is good. Shit. With timeless classics like "A Taste of Honey" and a horrendous cover of "Love Potion No. 9," every home should have a copy. And every home could, I think, judging from the number of copies that I've seen at thrift stores & rummage sales. So now, every time I see a copy for 50¢ or less, I buy it. Once, some guy at a flea market wanted a buck for a copy. I offered 25¢ and he just gave it to me. Obviously, he failed to see it's value. In the last 4 years, I've probably been through 30 or 35 copies. But they get used. With duct tape & a razor blade, the jackets are perfect shipping boxes. The vinyl is fun to throw across the room when you're drunk & bored. I've given a dozen copies out as gifts. I go through a lot, but there's always more.

Various conditions, 0¢-50¢, Garage Sales, Flea Markets, Used Book Stores, nationwide.