The Lost Art of the
Tough topic, eh? Pet
taboo for the PTA, favorite faux pas for every suburban parent in this
rotting country. Drunk Driving. Man oh man--what to say.
Let's say you've been
drinking hard in your living room, alone, for the last six nights. Some
new faces would do you good, some strangers to look at, some unfamiliar
humanity to disgust you, remind you of your own superiority.
1. Get the Fuck Out
of the Suburbs
Move to the city. It's
the simplest solution to your drunk driving problems. DWI Checkpoints
and idle policeman inhabit the suburbs. City cops have plenty else to
do besides worry about some drunk driving across town 10 blocks to go
home. Of course, if you go tearing down Broadway at 4 in the morning,
you're fucked. But, then, you'd also be stupid.
Face it--the suburbs
breed angry, arrogant police. Town cops were teenage losers, kids too
stupid and insecure to break out of the hometown. Suburban cops will put
a flashlight in your face while you're kissing your date goodnight. Suburban
cops will pull you over because a turn signal bulb is broken. Fucking
suburban cops will proudly bust your ass for DWI. It gets the Sheriff
re-elected and gets their pathetic hides closer to that promotion. City
cops, though, they've got bigger problems. If you live in a city, then
drink and drive home in the city. Keep it calm and you'll make it home
to drink more.
2. Know Your Car
Aside from the Check-Points,
how do drunk drivers get caught? By hitting something. Hitting someone.
Driving too fast. Or driving erratically. Yes. Driving erratically, swerving
down residential roads, weaving in and out of traffic, wobbling down the
road in front of that cop on your tail. But this can be prevented, no
matter how drunk you get. As long as you know how to drive your car.
It doesn't really matter
you're driving. Each car has its quirks and its subtle tricks for smooth
driving. For example: a 1989 Volkswagen Fox (and every other Fox, I figure,
since they're all identical) has a push-switch headlight control on the
left of the dash, a finger's distance away from the steering wheel. On
straight roads, you put 2 fingers of your left hand along the "On" portion
of the switch and use this makeshift anchor to keep the wheel straight.
Similarly, a 1984 Nissan
Sentra has a ledge along the driver's side window which is the perfect
place to secure your elbow, locking your arm in place and keeping the
3. Do Not Drive Other
Never. Absolutely never.
Let them take a fucking cab.
Being a nice guy is
a one-way ticket to DWI, complete with a night in jail, an expensive lawyer,
and insurance surcharges so far up your asshole you'll need a second mortgage
to get them out. Use your brain, fuck the other guy. That's why the government
gave us public transit. Make them use it.
4. Breath Mints--No
If I were a cop pulling
someone over 15 minutes after last call, and he or she was frantically
chewing on a pack of Wrigley's, I'd throw Miranda down the sewer and haul
that asshole into jail just for being so stupid.
The same thing with
cigarettes: If you smoke, then smoke. But don't light up as soon as you're
being pulled over. It's just too obvious, eh? Tic Tacs. BreathMints. Whatever.
Shove a handful in your mouth as soon as you start the car. If you get
pulled over, swallow them or chew them up. Don't spit them out. Don't
scramble for more. Just take it easy, pal. Nice 'n' Easy.
5. Crack the Window
6. Stay Off the Backroads
In most towns, it looks
suspicious to drive a backroad when a perfectly fine 2-laner is available.
That's why towns build roads--for people to drive on. If you're not driving
on it, then you're avoiding it. And if you're avoiding it, then you're
either drunk or you've got a body in the trunk. Either way, you're fucked.
7. Listen to me.
Drive Drunk With Us