Stalking: Tips for Beginners

It really started on July 26, 1989, with the California murder of the relatively unknown actress, Rebecca Schaeffer, the cute sister on "My Sister Sam." Shot to death by Robert John Bardo, an aptly described "obsessed fan," Becky's murder gave America its newest catch-phrase criminal... The Stalker.

Stalkers have been around forever, I'd imagine. But with the advent of mega-stardom, the last few generations have been treated to a whole bunch of entertaining Stalking crimes. The Sal Mineo Murder, the Kidnapping and Rape of Connie Francis, John Lennon's Killing, the Attempt on Ron Reagan...

Long since a saturated media topic, Stalking is already considered passé by some. Well, I could give a fuck. Cause I've got the tips, tricks and suggestions for the amateur Stalker in all of us.

1. Learn the Statistics

The statistics are your best friend for avoiding arrest and/or conviction.

- In 1990, according to the FBI, 30% of female murder victims were slain by current or ex-husbands or boyfriends.

- Stalking experts estimate that 75-80% stalkings are domestic in nature.

Together, these statistics tell you one very important fact about your impending hobby: too many assholes have given Stalking a bad name. In some states, spouse-beaters are now technically stalkers; an ex-boyfriend who makes a threatening phone call is now a stalker. So, use this knowledge to your advantage: Don't stalk someone you know. No ex-lovers. No ex-girlfriends, ex-wives. Because as soon as something happens to her, whether or not you did it, you're the prime suspect. So, find a fresh face. Maybe that woman on the train. Maybe that new temp in the Accounting Department. Maybe that lady on Page 1 of the Lifestyle section of your local paper.

2. Be Creative, yet Prudent

You're in this for fun. Remember that.

John Boyer, described as "such a nice person" and "the kind of guy who walks grandmothers across the street," stalked Amy Ralph, of Springfield, Mass, for 2 years. John took advantage of the Postal Service to meet his needs. After a dead rat didn't win Amy's affection, he sent her coat hangers for DIY abortions. Then, still pining, he wrote her alumni magazine and told them she'd died of AIDS. But Amy still kept her distance.

John is currently serving time for violating probation on an attempted murder conviction--not Amy, a different woman. He could not be prosecuted under the new MA Stalking Law because he never made a direct threat.

John Boyer is, I'm sure, an asshole. An insecure, violent, misogynist asshole--but you've got to love that hanger trick.

3. Learn from History

Stalkers are not judicial favorites.

Atlanta, GA. November 12, 1993. After stalking his estranged wife, Troy, for a number of months, Joseph Anderson snapped and stabbed her four times with a butcher knife. He plead guilty to battery & simple assault and negotiated a deal for a few years in prison, which would put him behind bars for a year or two. Not bad, for an attempted murder. But Fulton County Superior Court Judge Frank M. Hull rejected the deal and gave Joseph 15 solid years in prison. Fifteen years, pal. That's a long time, considering Joseph could've gone to trial and maybe gotten an acquittal.

So, learn, my friends. Make a deal, get fucked by the Man. See you in 2008, Joe, you dumb asshole.

4. Set Your Goals

Face it, you loser. She's never going to sleep with you. She's never going to love you, or marry you. You've got to lower your expectations. My advice? Transparent Observation. In other words, don't affect her. Don't disrupt her. Don't beat, rape or kill her. Just observe her. Stalking, in it's essence, is a testosterone-based hunter/hunted thrill. Get to know her. Learn her routine, watch her friends. Take the train home with her, sitting in the next car. Watch her get the mail. Maybe catch a glimpse of her getting undressed. That, my friend, is Stalking.

But, if you need the satisfaction of a final culmination, then why not opt for a nice case of Post-Traumatic Shock Syndrome? A mild case can mean loss of job, maybe some therapy. But severe cases lead to relocation, name changes and destructive emotional imbalance, leaving her useless to any other man... for the rest of her life.

5. Know the Law

Stalking laws are everywhere.

As of press (editor's note: spring, 1994), 29 states have implemented Stalking Laws. The laws were set according to guidelines set forth by the National Institute of Justice, empowered by Congress, signed into action by George Bush.

The new laws all essentially define Stalking as "willful, malicious and repeated following and harassing of another person, where there is a credible threat of violence against the victim or members of the victim's family."

Refer to the chart below to find out where you should and shouldn't go stalking. The laws vary from misdemeanors to felonies; refer to your state's individual laws for more details.

6. Be Careful

I figure that a good portion of Stalking is resolved the old-fashioned way--violently. Brothers, fathers or boyfriends, solving problems with a baseball bat. So don't be surprised when your affections are unfavorably received.

Oh, and keep your health plan up to date. Enjoy.