Stalking: Tips for
It really started on July 26, 1989, with the California murder of the relatively unknown actress, Rebecca Schaeffer, the cute sister on "My Sister Sam." Shot to death by Robert John Bardo, an aptly described "obsessed fan," Becky's murder gave America its newest catch-phrase criminal... The Stalker.
Stalkers have been around
forever, I'd imagine. But with the advent of mega-stardom, the last few
generations have been treated to a whole bunch of entertaining Stalking
crimes. The Sal Mineo Murder, the Kidnapping and Rape of Connie Francis,
John Lennon's Killing, the Attempt on Ron Reagan...
Long since a saturated
media topic, Stalking is already considered passé by some. Well,
I could give a fuck. Cause I've got the tips, tricks and suggestions for
the amateur Stalker in all of us.
1. Learn the Statistics
The statistics are your
best friend for avoiding arrest and/or conviction.
- In 1990, according to the FBI, 30% of female murder victims were slain by current or ex-husbands or boyfriends.
- Stalking experts
estimate that 75-80% stalkings are domestic in nature.
Together, these statistics
tell you one very important fact about your impending hobby: too many
assholes have given Stalking a bad name. In some states, spouse-beaters
are now technically stalkers; an ex-boyfriend who makes a threatening
phone call is now a stalker. So, use this knowledge to your advantage:
Don't stalk someone you know. No ex-lovers. No ex-girlfriends, ex-wives.
Because as soon as something happens to her, whether or not you did it,
you're the prime suspect. So, find a fresh face. Maybe that woman on the
train. Maybe that new temp in the Accounting Department. Maybe that lady
on Page 1 of the Lifestyle section of your local paper.
2. Be Creative, yet
You're in this for fun.
John Boyer, described as "such a nice person" and "the kind of guy who walks grandmothers across the street," stalked Amy Ralph, of Springfield, Mass, for 2 years. John took advantage of the Postal Service to meet his needs. After a dead rat didn't win Amy's affection, he sent her coat hangers for DIY abortions. Then, still pining, he wrote her alumni magazine and told them she'd died of AIDS. But Amy still kept her distance.
John is currently serving time for violating probation on an attempted murder conviction--not Amy, a different woman. He could not be prosecuted under the new MA Stalking Law because he never made a direct threat.
John Boyer is, I'm sure,
an asshole. An insecure, violent, misogynist asshole--but you've got to
love that hanger trick.
3. Learn from History
Stalkers are not judicial
Atlanta, GA. November
12, 1993. After stalking his estranged wife, Troy, for a number of months,
Joseph Anderson snapped and stabbed her four times with a butcher knife.
He plead guilty to battery & simple assault and negotiated a deal
for a few years in prison, which would put him behind bars for a year
or two. Not bad, for an attempted murder. But Fulton County Superior Court
Judge Frank M. Hull rejected the deal and gave Joseph 15 solid years in
prison. Fifteen years, pal. That's a long time, considering Joseph could've
gone to trial and maybe gotten an acquittal.
So, learn, my friends. Make a deal, get fucked by the Man. See you in 2008, Joe, you dumb asshole.
4. Set Your Goals
Face it, you loser. She's never going to sleep with you. She's never going to love you, or marry you. You've got to lower your expectations. My advice? Transparent Observation. In other words, don't affect her. Don't disrupt her. Don't beat, rape or kill her. Just observe her. Stalking, in it's essence, is a testosterone-based hunter/hunted thrill. Get to know her. Learn her routine, watch her friends. Take the train home with her, sitting in the next car. Watch her get the mail. Maybe catch a glimpse of her getting undressed. That, my friend, is Stalking.
But, if you need the
satisfaction of a final culmination, then why not opt for a nice case
of Post-Traumatic Shock Syndrome? A mild case can mean loss of job, maybe
some therapy. But severe cases lead to relocation, name changes and destructive
emotional imbalance, leaving her useless to any other man... for the rest
of her life.
5. Know the Law
Stalking laws are everywhere.
As of press (editor's
note: spring, 1994), 29 states have implemented Stalking Laws. The
laws were set according to guidelines set forth by the National Institute
of Justice, empowered by Congress, signed into action by George Bush.
The new laws all essentially
define Stalking as "willful, malicious and repeated following and harassing
of another person, where there is a credible threat of violence against
the victim or members of the victim's family."
Refer to the chart below
to find out where you should and shouldn't go stalking. The laws vary
from misdemeanors to felonies; refer to your state's individual laws for
6. Be Careful
I figure that a good
portion of Stalking is resolved the old-fashioned way--violently. Brothers,
fathers or boyfriends, solving problems with a baseball bat. So don't
be surprised when your affections are unfavorably received.
Oh, and keep your health plan up to date. Enjoy.
Tip Sheet for