Crank #1 - The Glory That Remains Vinyl

The Glory That Remains Vinyl

Ah, the late 50's/early 60's. The swankest time in this country's history. Plenty of disposable income. Plenty of jobs. Plenty of suave young men and naive young women. Dinner parties. Martinis at lunch. Rob Roys before dinner. Call your favorite girl and take her out on the town. Maybe go dancing to a little Latin swing. Stay out all night, wake up, go to a friend's house and have a few Mimosas before lunch. Sounds great, eh? Sure does. And it's immortalized on shit vinyl piled in used record bins across the country. Fuck compact discs. Fuck digital cassettes or whatever the fuck is the latest. Give me slabs of scratchy vinyl for 50¢ a pop. Give me Cha-Cha's. Give me Limbo's. Give me that crazy, kooky music that gets everyone dancing!

Stranded on a desert island. You want Warehouse Songs and Stories? I want Will Success Spoil Mrs. Miller. You want Atomizer? I want Happy Music for Happy People. Just let me have these 15 albums and a needle that'll last forever, and I'll sit on that island, grinning ear-to-ear every fucking day.

Whenever possible, I have indicated the release date and which MODERN recording technique is responsible for the superior quality. I am, of course, willing to part with any and all of these albums for the right amount of cash. Make an offer.

Happy Music for Happy People featuring Bobby Roberts and his orchestra "Shuffle Rhythms For Continuous Dancing" A Hi-Fonic, DECCA Long Play Microgroove Record	Primitiva the EXOTIC sounds of MARTIN DENNY Recorded in the Liberty Studios in Hollywood, "the WORLD'S ONLY TRANSISTORIZED RECORDING STUDIO." Featuring a man named August Colon playing bongos, congos AND making BIRD CALLS throughout the album. Fucking beautiful.	Cal Tjader's Más Ritmo Caliente 1957--Fantasy Records High Fidelity An absurd album cover (flamenco dancer on a very large bongo) from a man considered a fine jazz musician by those people who actually like jazz.
Classical Music for People Who Don't Know Anything About Classical Music 1957--An RCA Victor New Orthophonic High Fidelity Recording	Will Success Spoil Mrs. Miller?! Elva Miller nabbed a record deal because she's such a bad fucking singer. She was a regular on Jack Parr, et. al. This is, simply put, the fucking epitome of bad vinyl. And this is her SECOND lp. I love her. "This monophonic microgroove cannot become obsolete. It will continue to be a source of outstanding sound reproduction." Amen.	Gypsy Campfires The Emotion of 101 Strings "Only the emotional depth of "101 Strings" can capture the contrasts of tender emotion and fiery crescendos of a night at Gypsy Campfires." Whatever, I guess.
Polka Polka Polka Polka with Paul Potski and his Pumpernickels Nobody is complete without at least 1 Polka album. This features "Strip Polka," "Too Fat Polka," and "Wood Choppers Polka." Coronet Stereophophonic (YES: "phophonic") cut on a Scully Lathe.	Opera Without Words A Program of Favorite Arias with 101 Strings This stereophonic 33-1/3 R.P.M. long play record has been mastered employing the Westrex cutter head system drive by a Sculley lathe.	Music for Dining The Melachrino Strings and Orchestra Part of the Moods in Music series, which includes "Music for Relaxation," "Music for Reading," "Music to Help You Sleep," and more (I imagine). 1958—RCA Victor Living Stereo High Fidelity
Mood Music for Beer and Pretzels The Honky-tonk piano of Lou Stein and his Bar-Room Boys (Not part of the far more classy "Moods in Music" series) 1957—Masterseal High Fidelity	Music to Break a Lease! Produced by Sid Feller and Don Costa. No singers or musicians listed. This record is so bad it's not even fun. I also own the follow-up: Music to Break a Sub-Lease, which is even more pathetic. 1956—ABC-Paramount Full Color Fidelity	Music to Suffer By Leona Anderson Produced in the same spirit as the Mrs. Miller albums, Leona Anderson is no Mrs. Miller. But she is pretty funny. 1958—Diamond-True Hi-Fi Sound

The Ethel Merman
Disco Album
**NOT JUST RE-MIXED HITS**
She got her fat ass
into a studio and
actually re-recorded
her big hits as disco. Includes "There's
No Business Like
Show Business," "Everything's Coming
Up Roses," etc.
Beats per Minute listed
on the label, for all
you d.j.'s out there
who need to mix this
into your regular
dance program.
1979--Pretty late in
the disco craze,
don't you think?

Joe DeCosta's
Ten Dog Commandments
"Thou shalt not
shit on the rug?"
"Thou shalt not hump
the couch when
company is over?"
No. Actually, a
double-album of doggie discipline aimed
at turning your pooch
into an honest-to-God
Security Dog.
1973

Special Music
for Special People
Accompaniment for
Adapted Dance/Exercise with Directions
for Geriatric
and Disabled Populations
Albums like this
get me out of bed on Saturday mornings
and inspire me to
dig through piles of shitty vinyl.