Note: Illustrated guide is right here.

DIY Trepanation

If you're like me, the first question you're yourself asking is HOW? How can I do this in the privacy (and comfort) of my own home? Well, I'm here to tell you.

The Tools

I took a trip to Rickel and Pathmark in search of the right trepanation equipment at the right prices. I followed three guidelines:

1. Buy only dependable hardware--having the drill crap out in the middle of the procedure would be a problem, I feel.

2. Try to save money--this ain't like suicide; you've still got to pay the rent, even with a hole in your head.

3. Buy American--I don't know why; standing in the hardware section, though, it seemed like the right thing to think.

I shopped in the order the procedure would follow: Situate Yourself in some stable manner, Prepare the Drill, Assemble the First Aid, Make the Hole.

Situate Yourself

I considered 2 possibilities: a friend will help you trepane, or you will trepane yourself.

If a friend will be assisting you, the shopping list is considerably shorter:

3 1/2" Steel Beam Vice Bench SWL BS ($69.99)
This is the typical vice you find in any typical workshop or garage: a big, red chunk of steel bolted onto a workbench or table. I found that my head fit inside this model with half an inch to spare on either side--PERFECT! With a couple rags to protect the sides of your head, your buddy will have a good angle of approach, and you won't twitch or flinch when the hole gets started. Also look into the situation proposed below, for the Solitary Trepane. It involves 2 smaller vices and 1 wood vice, but might be more comfortable. Also refer to page 23 for more details.

8" C-Clamp. Steel. ($12.49)
This is listed only as an alternative to the above vice, just in case $70 puts you over budget. I'm warning you, though, that trying to keep yourself still--even with your head secured by a c-clamp --will be difficult. And could be dangerous. And shit, who can't use a vice, anyway?

And if you're doing this alone:

2 - 2" Steel Beam Vices ($24.99 ea.)
Smaller versions of the above-listed vice, these 2 vices will be used to hold the wood clamp (listed below) in place. Be sure to securely bolt these babies down--find a heavy workbench or table.

12" Rock Hard Maple Standard Wood Clamp,
KC Professional [no. 94644] ($19.99)
This is a standard wood clamp you see used every week on The Yankee workshop. Tighten one of these on your head and hold the clamp itself in place using the 2 vices listed previously. This will give you full access to your forehead and the top of your skull, all the while keeping you in place. MADE IN USA.
n 18" Quik-Grip ($26.99) From the makers of Vice-Grips (one of my favorite tools--probably everyone else's, too), I found that the grips weren't deep enough and didn't offer enough "grab" for my comfort. Definitely stick with the wood clamp. MADE IN USA.
n4 Prolite Tool Bag ($15.99) Once your head is clamped down, you won't be left with much mobility. This in mind, I'd purchase a tool belt to keep the booze (see page 21), your drill and first aid supplies in easy reach.

Nicholas Lifter's Belt ($34.99)
This isn't a WEIGHT lifter's belt--it's a package lifter's belt. See, my back is sensitive to trauma. And if I'm going to drill a hole in my head, the last thing I want to do is throw my back out with all the thrashing about; a lifter's belt will keep my back straight and prevent unwanted lateral motion. So for me, the $34.99 is worth it. Consider it.

Prepare the Drill

Again, we must consider that you may or may not have a friend assisting you, and shop accordingly.

With a friend helping out, make his/her job as easy as possible. Buy this drill:

DeWalt Professional Rev. Spade Handle 1/2" Drill ($156.99)
Sure, it's an expensive drill. But this is the motherfucker of all drills available for less than $200. TWO HANDLES (one on the side, one at the rear). Triple gear reduction. 100% Ball and Roller Bearing. 7.0 amps. 450 rpm. Rear handle adjustable in 90° increments. Fairly lightweight. Reversible. With this baby in hand, your friend will ENJOY liberating your brain. MADE IN USA.

If you're going this alone, though, you've got to consider other qualities in a drill: ease-of-use? Is it lightweight? Is it unwieldy? A 2-handled beast like the DeWalt will not work. Instead, consider:

Black & Decker D1000 3/8" Drill ($34.94)
Single speed, reversible, 2-year warranty, and (most importantly) a LOCK-ON BUTTON. This drill is perfect. It's lightweight and simple to use. When I asked Jim, the fellow working the hardware department, which drill HE would use if he were drilling a hole in his head, he told me that "any of the Black and Decker's are top of the line--the D1000, though, is a real nice drill, and it's on sale." (No shit, that was a real conversation.) SOLD!

So you're all ready to go, right? What kind of drill BIT are you going to use, smart guy? Standard wood/ metal? Wood boring? Tile and Ceramic? I hadn't considered it, so I had to go back to Rickel the next day. I found Jim in hardware and had this conversation (it's true, I swear--I polished up his grammar, though; he was a bit of a dolt).

Me: (assuming he remembered me) "So what kind of bit should I use?"

Him: "I think you have to figure out which is best for what you're working on."

Me: "I'm the guy who's drilling the hole in his forehead. I was in yesterday. You recommended the Black and Decker D1000."

Him: "Oh, yeah, I remember you. That's a good drill."

Me: "So which kind of bit should I use? Wood boring?"

Him: "You definitely have to figure out which one is best for you what you're working on. I don't know about that stuff."
Me: "This isn't trial and error, Jim. I'm drilling a hole in my head. I've got to choose one."

Him: "I don't know. Sorry."

So these are my choices:

Black and Decker Standard Wood/Metal bits 7/16", 15/32" or 1/2" (B&D #s 15639, 15641, 15643; $7.49, $7.49, $9.99)
These are the normal drill bits you'd use to put a hole in the wall, or a piece of wood, or a piece of metal. They're also the bits I assume most people would use to put a hole in their head.
My main concern is that it'll be a real slow start to get a good groove in my skull. So I considered others.

Black and Decker 1/2" Wood Boring bit (B&D # 17204; $2.99)
These bits are used to put larger holes in wood. They are very mean looking. Described on the package as "fast, rough drilling in all woods," I am afraid this one will tear the shit out of my skull and scar real badly, leaving me a freak [sic]. "Always wear eye protection." Yeh, no shit. "Money-back guarantee." Sure, but I doubt they'd honor it with blood and bone fragments stuck to it.

Black and Decker 1/2" Glass, Tile bit (B&D # 16905; $14.99)
At first glance, this carbide-tipped, easy-start bit looks perfect. But then I read the package: "use a slow drilling speed; variable or hand drill is ideal." Well, if I'm doing this myself, then I've got the B&D D1000, which is single speed. And I sure as fuck ain't gonna use a hand drill for this. And, come to think of it, even if I do have a variable speed drill like the DeWalt Prof. Spade Handle, I don't particularly want to do this slowly, eh? "Apply a lubricant such as white spirit or turpentine to keep drill bit cool." The ice cold blood in my veins should do the trick.

So there I was: STUCK. I don't know which type of bit to recommend. But rather than buy one or the other, and make a mistake, I wrote to the professionals: Black and Decker. (View here) As soon as I get an answer, you'll get the answer.

Assemble the First Aid

Whenever you open up any part of your body, something can go wrong. Isn't that what we've all learned? Well, trepanation is no different.

Face it. Not many people have access to real medical supplies. Not many people can get sedatives, or pain killers, or antibiotics. So I took a trip to Pathmark and nosed around the OTC drug and first aid aisle.

J&J Sterile Pads, 4"x4". Box of 25 ($7.99)
You're going to bleed like sick. Buy 2 boxes.

Witch Hazel, Generic Brand, 1 qt. ($1.87)
Buy 3 quarts, close your eyes, and pour it right on your head. It's already going to be messy, so what's a little more liquid all over the place?

Cotton Roll ($4.99)
Wrap yourself up like The Mummy. It'll be fun.

Liquor (various)
There is no question in my mind that booze should play a major role in your decision to open up your skull. Personally, I'd buy 2 quarts of cheap beer ($2.50) and a bottle of really good gin ($23) for the trip. Make sure you've got enough liquor for recovery. You will need it.

The strongest over-the-counter topical anesthetic comes in products such as Anbesol and Chloraseptic. You might as well buy a shitload of it and try to numb yourself beforehand. Check the shelves for yourself; the active ingredient you're looking for is BENZOCAINE. Check with your pharmacist.

Iodine. Rubbing Alcohol. Neosporin.
All of these things will help keep your new orifice clean. Go spend $20 on everything you can find. And pick up some Advil ($4); you're going to need it.

Total Expense

So how much is this trip to enlightenment going to cost?

Doing it with a friend:

3 1/2" Steel Beam Vice Bench SWL BS $69.99
DeWalt Pro. Rev. Spade Handle Drill $156.99
B&D 1/2" Glass, Tile bit (most expensive) $14.99
First Aid supplies $50.58
Liquor (various) $25.00

TOTAL: (add your state's sale tax) $317.52

Doing it alone (And doing it right):
2 - 2" Steel Beam Vices @ $24.99 ea. $49.98
12" Wood Clamp $19.99
Black & Decker D1000 Drill $34.94
B&D 1/2" Glass, Tile bit (most expensive) $14.99
Prolite Tool Bag $15.99
Nicholas Lifter's Belt $34.99
Liquor (various) $25.00
First Aid supplies $50.58

TOTAL: (add your state's sale tax) $246.46

Looks like you'll save about $70 if you take care of business alone. But keep in mind, that if you do it with someone else, he/she can pick up half of the $318 if they decide to follow your lead. That would bring costs down to less than $160 each! Not bad for total enlightenment, eh? That's even cheaper than a year's worth of church dues, I think.

If you do drill a hole in your head, PLEASE take photos. Or video. And send 'em in! Good luck, sucker.

Note: Illustrated guide is right here.