Note: The most innovative thing I ever did in Crank was the Icon Review system.
Fed up with all the ridiculous, circle-jerking reviews I saw in every fucking zine in the world, I decided to reduce my reviews to a pure essence: icons. While Jim Goad gave me some grief for what he perceived to be a rip-off of the icons he used in ANSWER Me! #2's serial killer/mass murderer article, I know that this idea was the first of its kind. Sorry, Jim--your icons were wonderful, catchy little USA Today-style charticle things, but mine served an entirely different purpose.

The Icon Review System survived for 3 issues, until I got bored with it while mapping out Crank #6. During the time that the icons appeared in Crank, however, they were copied by a number of other magazines (see here for my attack in Crank #6 on Lumpen for their ridiculous swipe).

Unfortunately, I am unable to reproduce the Icon System on the web. I know it can be done; I just don't feel like doing it. So fuck it. Download the PDF versions of Cranks 3, 4 and/or 5 if you're so curious--they've everything, including the Icon Review System.

Here's the intro I'd written for the very first Icon Review System, plus a copy of the key,

I hate reviews with nothing to say. And I hate magazines that are 75% reviews. I hate interviews with bands that run on for 20 pages. I hate reading fodder written by 20-year old boho jerkoffs who are pandering to record labels for advertising revenue. Basically, I hate unentertaining filler.

Do records companies think that I'm going to run out & buy their latest release just because some self-publishing shithead says it's COOL? Will record companies actually pay for advertising in some dingy, newsprint rag just because the editor says nice things about their bands? Christ.

I'm at my boiling point with reviews and INTERVIEWS. Every fucking rag I open, I see the same reviews for the same shit. The same free records. The same free CDs. The same free fucking zines. People ask me "Why haven't more people heard of Crank?" Answer: BECAUSE I REFUSE TO SEND OUT FREE COPIES TO EVERY LITTLE RAG IN FACTSHEET 5. That's why.

In any case, I've officially had enough. And I am the first to throw stones! That's right, I re-read Crank #2 and realized that I spent much too much energy on those dozen or so reviews. You know what? IT'S NOT FUCKING WORTH IT. It was nothing more than name-dropping to establish my COOLNESS. But you already know how fucking COOL I am, right? Good. So now I'll shut my trap.

I am no longer going to write reviews. No siree! Instead, I am using easily-translated, easily-consumed, plug-n-play ICONS! This is the Macintosh Age! I AM SICK OF WRITING CRAPPY REVIEWS JUST TO JERK YOU OFF.

How does it work? Easy. 1) Pick a product. 2) Translate the cute pictures. 3) Act on the information. 4) Thank me for my genius. Sure it's difficult to read at first glance; tough shit. Skip to page 31 if you don't like it.

Hey, Maximum Rock 'n' Roll: your days are numbered! We've had enough!