To: Crank

[Regarding the trepaning article in the last issue] may I recommend that you use a stopping device of some sort? After all, if you're trepanning yourself, you'll probably only want a hole in your head, not a lobotomy! So, attach something to the drill that will prevent the bit from going in TOO far! Something like a piece of 1/2" cold-rolled steel bolted into that hole on the side should do the trick nicely. Put a rubber foot on the end of it, and make sure that the bit only extends 1" beyond the rubber foot. After all, we just want to open a hole in the head, not destroy the brain.. Haven't you ever been drilling something and had the drill suddenly BURST THROUGH the material? It's not a laughing matter when you've got a 1/2" wood-bit sticking 3" into your brains...

Also, the illustration of the plain one-man trepan... Is COMPLETELY unrealistic, unless you're a bodybuilder. When you try to drill into the top of your head in that fashion, you have to use your triceps more than the other muscles in your arm. Triceps are usually the weakest arm muscles because people usually don't use them that much. Now imagine that not only do you have to hold your arms in that position, but you also have to prove a lot of pressure so that the drill will cut into skull... UNREALISTIC. You'd have to be a bodybuilder. That's why I recommend drilling through the fore-head. After all, if you drill a hole in your fore-head you'll be able to sleep on your back without cerebrospinal fluid dripping out while you sleep...

For the one-man WELL-EQUIPPED trepan, I recommend using a pulley centered above your head, and then giving the rope ONE-TURN around the spindle in the direction of rotation. This will ensure that even if the drive handle should slip backwards, you'll still be pulling it in the RIGHT direction when you re-apply pressure.

Also, please use a clove-hitch for the knot holding the handle, as all of those wrappings illustrated are unnecessary and will probably help the knot capsize. Have fun, and let me know how black-and-decker replies to your letter!

Rev. Mrzlak Nyzamot! (mrzlak@nevada.edu)

To: Rev. Mrzlak Nyzamot!

It is my firm conviction that a single individual would indeed be capable of drilling a hole in the top of his or her head, as illustrated on page 23 of Crank, Issue #2. My Single Trepan Theory needs no "magic muscles" and no extraordinary dexterity to accomplish the task at hand. In fact, in a series of carefully observed "dry runs," a number of individuals were able to simulate the procedure well within the given parameters.

In regards to your other suggestions, you may rest assured that they have been forwarded to the appropriate departments for consideration.