Time to Kill (Lawyers, That Is)

By Tom Bielavitz

We all hate lawyers, everybody from Rush Limbaugh to Howard Stern bitches about them; suit-happy sharks, and who pays for it all? We do, of course. Old story. Boring Story.

A friend graduated law school about five years ago, and his first year out he had a civil case pending vs. BMW; a design flaw in the anti-lock braking system threatened his safety. His REAL motive? The profit from a winning case will afford him a more expensive BMW, or maybe a Mercedes. One with a better anti-lock braking system, of course. I don't know what the outcome was, but if it made it to court, I do know my that you and I paid for the time of the judge, bailiffs, stenographers, etc., to hear that greedy prick whine about his brakes. Fuck that. He's making $60,000, and I was driving a truck delivering cheese.

The kind fact-checker at the Philadelphia office of the Pennsylvania Bar Association informed me that approximately 4600 people took the Bar Exam this past July. They expect that 80% will pass it on their first try. (3700 people can do it in one shot, but John-John took how long?) This is just Pennsylvania.

Clearly, we have enough lawyers in this country.

Recently an opportunity came my way to force back the tide. I don't propose as aggressive a plan as murder--very few people are successful at it in any quantity to make a difference. However, like weeds, lawyers can be removed one at a time. And I have pulled my first would-be lawyer. Please follow suit.

My Method

Another friend of mine--I'll call her Alexis--graduated from law school this past Spring. Of course, she immediately applied to be accepted into the Bar. For most states, a number of personal references are required, in addition to the Bar Examination itself. And since we've been close for nearly a dozen years, I was a natural--if not safe--choice.

You see, the Bar Association sent me a form to complete, which I did. It is reprinted on the next page for your amusement. I lied--made up stories to make her appear, to put it lightly, UNWORTHY. In short, I fucked her.

Soon, Alexis will be hawking uniforms at the Gap, and I'm to blame. As they say--not your Mom, but some of those radical types--"Revolution begins in the home," and so I figured I couldn't pass up this opportunity. My social circle is not large; I won't
get another chance to eliminate a potential lawyer; all my other friends are lucky to have warehouse jobs.

I'll never tell Alexis. She wouldn't admire my conviction and adherence to principles. No, this is the type of thing that can kill a friendship, and though I'm the guy that would shoot a lame dog, tell you when your shirt makes you look fat, or frankly inform you that your ass stinks, I am sensitive to the gravity of my actions. Coolly and logically, I knew what had to be done--what type of model would I be if I suggested such an action, yet did not take it? I'm a man of action!!

In the hopes that even one reader will follow my lead, I am providing the following tips. Please take them, make them your own, and run with it:

Tone is all–important.
Make it look as if you feel obligated to give a recommendation, but really don't have anything nice to say.

Find out how long the applicant claims to have known you.
He says 6 years? You say, oh, 2 years. But be careful! You may rend yourself an "unacceptable reference" if the length of time you state is less than the required minimum. Your best bet is to check with the victim in a roundabout way.

Acts of instability make one appear...well, unstable.

Use ambiguous verbs such as "seemed."
For example: "Carl seemed like he had a lot of integrity." Such a statement implies the author can say for sure that Carl has integrity; lawyers reviewing this statement can't miss a sly statement like this. Hell, they eat this shit up.

Drug use looks bad.

Most law students are meticulous about their resumes.
In fact, they are often specific down to the exact days of when and where they worked. It is, therefore, tough to make them look truly transient. Instead, a hint of a transient lifestyle here and there is a good measure. Perhaps use something such as "Although I knew John well for two years, he was always evasive about his home life. Sometimes he did not appear to have showered for a week or more. However, these are inconsequential facts in determining whether or not he'd be a good lawyer. John certainly seemed like a smart guy. I'm sure he would make a great public defendant."

"You can judge a man by the company he keeps."
Make yourself look like an idiot.

All in all, it's not hard to make someone look bad.