Time to Kill (Lawyers, That Is)
By Tom Bielavitz
We all hate lawyers, everybody from Rush Limbaugh to Howard Stern bitches about them; suit-happy sharks, and who pays for it all? We do, of course. Old story. Boring Story.
A friend graduated law school about five years ago, and his first year out he had a civil case pending vs. BMW; a design flaw in the anti-lock braking system threatened his safety. His REAL motive? The profit from a winning case will afford him a more expensive BMW, or maybe a Mercedes. One with a better anti-lock braking system, of course. I don't know what the outcome was, but if it made it to court, I do know my that you and I paid for the time of the judge, bailiffs, stenographers, etc., to hear that greedy prick whine about his brakes. Fuck that. He's making $60,000, and I was driving a truck delivering cheese.
The kind fact-checker at the Philadelphia office of the Pennsylvania Bar Association informed me that approximately 4600 people took the Bar Exam this past July. They expect that 80% will pass it on their first try. (3700 people can do it in one shot, but John-John took how long?) This is just Pennsylvania.
Clearly, we have enough lawyers in this country.
Recently an opportunity came my way to force back the tide. I don't propose as aggressive a plan as murder--very few people are successful at it in any quantity to make a difference. However, like weeds, lawyers can be removed one at a time. And I have pulled my first would-be lawyer. Please follow suit.
Another friend of mine--I'll call her Alexis--graduated from law school this past Spring. Of course, she immediately applied to be accepted into the Bar. For most states, a number of personal references are required, in addition to the Bar Examination itself. And since we've been close for nearly a dozen years, I was a natural--if not safe--choice.
You see, the Bar Association sent me a form to complete, which I did. It is reprinted on the next page for your amusement. I lied--made up stories to make her appear, to put it lightly, UNWORTHY. In short, I fucked her.
will be hawking uniforms at the Gap, and I'm to blame. As they say--not
your Mom, but some of those radical types--"Revolution begins in
the home," and so I figured I couldn't pass up this opportunity.
My social circle is not large; I won't
I'll never tell Alexis. She wouldn't admire my conviction and adherence to principles. No, this is the type of thing that can kill a friendship, and though I'm the guy that would shoot a lame dog, tell you when your shirt makes you look fat, or frankly inform you that your ass stinks, I am sensitive to the gravity of my actions. Coolly and logically, I knew what had to be done--what type of model would I be if I suggested such an action, yet did not take it? I'm a man of action!!
In the hopes that even one reader will follow my lead, I am providing the following tips. Please take them, make them your own, and run with it:
out how long the applicant claims to have known you.
Acts of instability make one appear...well, unstable.
ambiguous verbs such as "seemed."
Drug use looks bad.
law students are meticulous about their resumes.
can judge a man by the company he keeps."
All in all, it's not hard to make someone look bad.