Swank Vinyl for You and Your Lover

Crappy lounge vinyl sure has become hip, eh? Seems like EVERYONE'S talking about their 25¢ Salvation Army records. MTV. CNN. Newsweek. Time. And gee, it's only been 2 YEARS since "Incredibly Strange Music."

What do I think of this popularity? As Buk would say: I don't think about it. Let the kids buy the inevitable Martin Denny CD re-issues. Let Combustible Edison make some cash. Let them eat fucking cake, because I'm in for the long haul, toots.

That said, let's get on with it.

Seven months ago, CRANK featured a cross-section of the best crappy vinyl that 50¢ and (seven years of collecting) can buy. In this issue, we continue to explore the hidden value of shit vinyl with "Swank Vinyl for You and Your Lover," a not-so-comprehensive list of the best slabs to have on your turntable when you're looking to make the moves on a honey. Swap gender roles at your own discretion; keep in mind that these were produced some 30 years ago.

Music, Martinis, And Memories You tip the piano man to play her favorite song...

Music for The Love Hours Back at your apartment, you set the mood...

Music for Lovers Only A few drinks later, you're in like Flynn.

Music to Make you Misty She lets a single tear fall down her supple cheek, because you don't return her calls. (But shit, lady, what man in his right mind wants to date such a loose woman?)

If you can't find any Jackie Gleason,
try one of these sure-fire favorites:

Day Dreams A big hit by The Golden Strings. Uniquely appropriate for the seduction and remorse that comes the next morning when you can't remember his/her name.	Champagne Music For Dancing If you don't know how to dance to champagne music (as popularized by Lawrence Welk), you might want to try a Bossa Nova, instead.	Music to Watch Girls By For those nights when all you can do is sit on the porch with a jug of cheap wine and watch the young college girls stroll by. Too breezy for seduction.

And these are recommended for their own peculiar charms:

Music to Strip By A crappy album that redeemed itself only after I spied it on the turntable of a woman who gets gang-raped in a bad biker movie ("Rebel Angel"?)	After a Hard Day– Music to Relax By "I just know how hard you work, honey, so I mixed up a pitcher of gin-n-tonic, just the way you like it: full. Oh, you just sit down now. I'll make supper."	SPEAK LOW Hands-down, the best titty cover I own. If only because she's such a fucking pig.