For one reason or another, readers of Crank have come to regard me as something of a source of wisdom--a man to turn to for advice, for counseling, for a good word on a dreary day. To illustrate this, I present excerpts from the following letters, all received between June and December, 1994. In response (since I never wrote them back properly) I commissioned one of my artfag friends to render easy-to-remember graphic icons.

Excerpts from actual letters:

Dear Jeff:
[Much praise deleted]. As a commuter, I drive a lot. Last hurricane season, I found myself caught in my car along a small freeway. I was scared and don't wanna go through it again. What should I do? Move? Where to? Sarah K. (Tampa)

For Sarah:

Dear Crank Guy:
[Also much praise deleted]. A friend of a friend, M_________, gave me a copy of Crank #2. You seem to have been through a lot in your time, and I wonder if you know anything about surviving tornadoes. Last year, my trailer and my dog were both lost (both on a Sunday, too. So much for God's day of rest, huh??). Anything you know about this might help. Sincerely, Jonathan L. (Kansas)

For Jonathan:

Jeff,
Man, Philadelphia sounds fucking great. I was fucking born and raised in goddamn North Fucking Dakota. I wonder what fucking SPRING is like?? [blah blah--thanks for Crank--blah blah]. Did you know that the fucking highway commission in this state tells people to stay in their cars if they get caught in a blizzard?? Fuck that. I got caught in the snow once and left my fucking car behind. Made it to a gas station in 3 hours and broke into their garage. Stayed there for 2 days, eating fucking fritos and pickles from a micro-fridge. When I went back for my car, it was 4 feet under snow. Fuck staying in your car. Keep warm. I won't. Dell (ND)

From Dell (though he doesn't believe it):

Dear Jeff,
LA is nice. Nice weather. Nice looking women behind every bar and under every tray of food. Earthquakes suck though. The last one got my computer, back issues and bed (water damage from busted pipes). My sister was on the highway when it hit. She was stuck for 10 hours. She was 50 feet from that guy they rescued live on TV. You might have seen her if you watched it. She's pretty hot. She wants to be an actress, of course. Anyway, I'm getting a car now that I have a long commute, so I'm hoping for the next earthquake to hit at night, so I can die in my sleep, like my mom did (cancer, not the earthquake). Later, Tim W. (Los Angeles)

For Tim & His Sister:

Jeff Koyen:
I loved Crank #3 so much I want you to come visit and hang out with me and my friends. We drink and get high. It would be fun. Yes, we live in Atlanta, but go to school here. (Not hick bitches, which I'm sure you hate.) If you're ever down this way, call me at -----------. Plan ahead, don't get caught in the floods, like my brother did last year. He almost drowned in his car. That would suck. Take care. Please call. Melissa H. (Atlanta)

For the Hick Bitches: