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The Squeaky Wheel...
Let me preface: I am NOT the kind of person who complains at a restaurant when I'm seated near the kitchen. I am NOT the kind of person who complains when the bartender is moving too slowly. Basically, I'd rather suck it up than talk to someone unnecessarily.
Written consumer complaints, however, are another ball of earwax. I do not hesitate to dispatch letters to companies that produce inferior products. I have no problem AT ALL sending the most vicious letters to some hapless customer service rep.
Why? Because I see the Profit Potential in writing a letter. While complaining to your waiter may get you a better table, it might also get you the busboy's come-shot in your alfredo sauce. And while bitching to the barkeep may get your beer in front of you 10 seconds sooner, you might very well find his phlegm floating in the foam.
As with all things, I feel that anonymous writing is better than personal confrontation. Few rewards are worth the price of personal contact. Recently, I had a bad experience with a Healthy Choice lunch item. So I wrote them a letter. Then, seizing the opportunity, I sent a similar letter to one of their competitors. Curiously enough, their responses reached me within a day of each other.
God bless The Power of the Consumer.
| P.O.
Box XXXX Healthy Choice
Customer Service Dear Healthy Choice: As a drinker, I often have to concentrate for a couple weeks on losing those extra pounds that accumulate on my face and belly. That as my goal, I often eat low fat, low calorie, prepared lunches and engage in light exercise. As a general rule, I buy Weight Watcher meals, but one day I decided to try Healthy Choice. This past Tuesday, I purchased your Country Inn Roast Turkey. It was less than satisfying. Now don't get me wrong--I don't expect gourmet meals from 4 grams of fat. But I was not prepared for the cardboard-like texture of the turkey, the rubbery taste of the bread crumbs, and the downright confusing chemical taste of the vegetables. I took 5 bites (hoping to find a region of tastiness) before throwing it out. Now I understand why the last word in your instructions is "Enjoy" --purchasers of this meal need to be told to enjoy it, since they never would on their own. Satisfied with
Weight Watchers, |
| P.O.
Box XXXX Weight Watchers
Food Company Dear Weight Watchers: As a drinker, I often have to concentrate for a couple weeks on losing those extra pounds that accumulate on my face and belly. That as my goal, I often eat low fat, low calorie, prepared lunches and engage in light exercise. As a general rule, I buy Healthy Choice meals, but one day I decided to try Weight Watchers. This past Tuesday, I purchased your Brick Oven Style Three Cheese Pizza. It was horrible. Now don't get me wrong--I don't expect gourmet meals from 4 grams of fat. But I was not prepared for the cardboard-like texture of the crust, the rubbery taste of the cheese, and the downright confusing chemical taste of the sauce. I took 5 bites (hoping to find a region of tastiness) before throwing it out. I'm certainly glad that you don't include the word "Enjoy" in your instructions (much like Healthy Choice products) since I don't see how purchasers of this pizza COULD possibly enjoy it. Satisfied with
Healthy Choice, |
While both companies responded with standard form letters, Weight Watchers kissed more ass by giving me a coupon for a free entree. Healthy Choice, on the other hand, cheaped out and sent discount coupons.
Question:
Which company gets my cash in the future?
Answer:
Neither. ALL this stuff tastes like shit.
(Spring,
95)
Liquor
Takes
A Holiday, Almost
Excerpts
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Stylish Young Men
ARREST
Me!
A Conversation
With Jim Goad
Don't
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Ask Your Hippie Neighbors
Poetry
Slam!
Crank Style--Part 1
Black
& Decker:
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Inside the House of
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Crank Style--Part 2
The
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The Squeaky Wheel
Kicking
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Another Dead Trend
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