Save Money! Operate at Home!

From the upcoming The Crank Home Surgery Companion

Lip Reduction

With a fine-point pen, mark off small area of lip to be removed. Remember: You only want to do this once, so be generous!

Cut away area with sharp scissors. Be sure to sterilize the blades over the stove before you begin cutting. Tear off flap of skin.

With a sharp needle (again: sterilize over open flame)
stitch up the opening. Allow the wound to heal 4-6 days
before you pick at the scab.

Nose Reshaping

To reduce distance from nose to mouth,
make stitch along the underside of lip.

Pull the stitch a little tighter each morning
until desired distance is achieved.

Breast Reduction

Every doctor worth his beans will tell you that the most important part of a breast reduction is in the planning.

With a fine-point pen, draw the above grid around your nipple.
If necessary, practice drawing the diagram with a layer of Saran Wrap over the breast.

Repeat.

With the help of a close friend, husband, or lover, cleave one breast in half, using a sharp knife of some sort. Push down, exposing the contents of the breast. With a clean, sterile teaspoon, scoop out unnecessary material. Close with a good, strong nylon thread. Choose a color that you and your lover
find pleasant, since you will be looking at it for weeks!

Repeat.