I'm So Ashamed...of all of you.

Snooping around the company archives one day, I came across the "Lucky Lottery" file. Inside, I found dozens of consumer complaint letters directed toward the company I work for, and, since we're not a consumer-driven company, I was immediately curious.

With minimal prodding, one of the copywriters told me (behind a closed door) about my company's foray into the Psychic Prediction Business. Earlier in the year, my boss was approached by a Man with an Idea: for a small fee, provide a year's worth of Pick-3 and Pick-4 numbers, customized to the individual's birth date and place of birth. A snake oil salesman by nature, my boss agreed to provide the graphics services necessary to fulfill the orders. A large, full color ad was immediately placed in The Star.

Soon enough, the suckers sent in their cash. Several hundred chumps clipped the coupon and sent in their checks. For about $14, you received a shitty, laser-output calendar, filled with random numbers, purported to be your state's winning picks. According to the advertisement, the numbers were yours and yours alone because they were computed from your horoscope. For an extra $4, you got the Pick-6 numbers each week. How could you lose??

Well, people did lose. And they complained. Some folks were upset that their calendars took 4-6 weeks to process--they began writing 2 weeks after sending in their checks. (Apparently, they were very anxious to start losing their money and didn't want to miss a single day of big winning.) Other people got the instructions wrong and supplied the wrong birthday. (How is this possible?!?) What everyone had in common, however, was their complete and utter stupidity.

Against many, many company policies, I've scanned the following letters and reprinted them here for your entertainment. I'm still not sure if I'm more ashamed of my boss for taking advantage of these imbeciles, or my fellow humans (as it were) for participating in this nonsense.

Hell, a buck's a buck, I guess. Fuck the chumps, if they're willing.

Jump to:
Lory Cooke
Mrs. Dorothy Brown
Mrs. Camille Parrino
Sandra Bennett

In her first letter (above), Lory Cooke thought that we'd fucked up her Lottery Horoscope by using the wrong date of "brith." Not ones to take blame lightly, we responded with a very polite, but firm, letter, and included a copy of the original order which clearly showed Ms. Cooke's brithday as wrong. With a face full of egg, Lory apologized in her own subliterate way (below).

Besides the hilarity in the misspellings, I just love that Lory was ready to send back her original useless Lottery numbers, only to receive another customized batch of useless numbers. I really think that Ms. Cooke should've been spending less time worrying about an odds-against-you State Lottery, and more time trying to figure out ways to steal more rolls from the local Sizzler.

The advertisement offered a money-back guarantee within 30 days. While several people took "us" up on it, none were so eloquent as Mrs. Dorothy Brown, who told us quite plainly what she thought of our calendar (above). When her first request went unattended, she elaborated, adding that she was "upset & angry & disappointed." Sorry, Dot, but I just can't sympathize--you're a god-damned idiot.

For each lottery day of the week in your state, the calendar offers you three Pick-3 and three Pick-4 numbers. While I'm not about to sit down and work out the math (I've long forgotten how to work with that "!" thingie), I'd guess that chances aren't bad that one number might hit at least once during the year, given 6 combos each day. But Mrs. Camille Parrino couldn't wait all year for her payback, citing that she "would go broke playing all those different numbers." Well, Christ, Camille--we're giving you the sure thing, so don't blame us if you ain't got the balls to stick with it! Like the man says, "you gotta be in it to win it." Some people just have no fucking faith.

My favorite letter comes from Sandra Bennett. Much like Mrs. Parrino, Sandy wasn't wasting any more fucking money after losing a few bucks. To prove her point, she listed the winning numbers to "fall in [the] Ft. Wayne" Lottery. (Um, wouldn't that technically be Indiana's lottery?) Then, she listed the numbers given to her on the Lucky Lottery Calendar. Come on now, lady, did you really need to prove to us that the calendar isn't "worth a darn?" Who the fuck do you think sold it to you?