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A long time ago there lived a king named King Booze. One dark, gloomy evening, at the height of Happy Hour, King Booze--the Imperial Head of Indulgent Fun--disappeared from his appointed place at your favorite bar.
"A
bar without Booze is just so distressing," says Louie, your lowbrow
co-worker, as he shoves another sausage sandwich into his gaping hole.
"Why don't you
let me take you out to a nice bar? I'll buy you a few drinks."
Well, if you have to, you can go out with Louie. Take the drinks and run, right? Just don't make it a habit, 'cause he's a big dope with nothing to offer.
But that doesn't solve your problem come tomorrow! You were broke even before King Booze disappeared!
And it's two whole days until payday!
"Oh,
do cheer up," says the ever-hopeful Mr. Direct Deposit, who can make
your entire paycheck available to you at 9:00 a.m. sharp every Friday
"You don't have to wait for that check to clear any more! Just go to
the Mac machine, get some cash, and hit the bar, my friend!"
Wow! Sounds great! With friends like that, you'll be at the bar in no time!
Oh
no! Watch out! Your mean, old Mr. Boss wants to cut your drinking drive
down to size. "I'm sick of smelling beer on your breath at 3 in the
afternoon!" he growls. "And I don't care how good you are at your work--stop
drinking on your lunch break, or you're out on the streets!"
That certainly puts a damper on things! You better just leave early, go home and have a drink there, where it's safe!
Holy
Crap! Finally! Some good news! It looks like the love of your life is
going out of town! Oh, of course you can do whatever you want, any time
you want, but it sure
is easier when you're alone! Whoopee! Run down to that dive bar you
hardly ever get to frequent!
Oh
my god! It's this place! You almost forgot, you big dummy! The last
time you were here, that cash on the bar was just too tempting, so you
just had to take it! Well, it looks like the bartender saw you take
her tip, and she remembers you! Zoinks! Better go find somewhere else!
Gee, this place looks fine! Very nondescript, plain black door, curtain hanging at the entrance. Might be a nice place to sit for a drink, right?
Right-o,
pally. It's a real nice place. And it looks like the Local Queen already
has his eyes on you! "Honey, I'll buy you drinks, if you'll be my friend
tonight," he says.
Are you sharp enough to get enough free drinks to get drunk, but not so many drinks that you end up blowing him in the bathroom?
You'll never know unless you try!
Well,
you're almost there! You can smell the booze in the air! It reminds
you of last night, when you got really drunk at that place down the
block, and then went to the deli and ate two of those overcooked hot
dogs. Mmm... mmm... they sure did hit the spot, huh?
Oh my! What was that? It felt like a raccoon trying to escape through your ass! Whoa! That felt like a coffee pot percolating in your belly! Uh oh!! You better run home and sit on the bowl, and quick! Gotta put those drinking plans on hold--there's no telling how long you'll be pushing liquid out of your asshole!
Will you ever get to the bar to have a drink? Or are you going to be stuck drinking alone in your bedroom?
As
every kid knows, drinking is hard work, at least when you do it right!
And, just like your fifth grade teacher told you, anything worth doing
is worth doing right!
See if you can make it through to the end of Crankyland! And good luck!
(Late
in 95)
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