readers of CRANK know how much I dislike Keanu Reeves and his cult
of bubble-head fans. Hush, now baby, don't you cry "boring"--I know it's
not ground-breaking to declare hatred for a movie star. Toppling media
darlings has many, many enthusiasts these days. But Keanu Reeves is an
odd duck: while it seems that everyone with a brain hates him and his
substandard performances, his fucking films make scads of cash. How does
he get cast in roles that could've been executed by actors with far more
talent and equal box-office draw?
Crank #1 online, a man in LA sent me a taped interview he conducted
with Keanu Reeves a few months back. Below, you will find excerpts taken
from this July, 1995 conversation.
sent to me on the condition of unconditional anonymity, and I will defend
my rights (under the umbrella of legitimate journalism) to keep my source
confidential. The less volatile parts of the interview eventually appeared
in a national pop culture publication that will remain unnamed. According
to the original interviewer, the following quotes are Keanu's replies
to a rapid-fire, "off-the-top-of-your-head" listing of his work; they
were repressed by one of Keanu's handlers who had the good sense to threaten
the interviewer with physical and professional harm if these quotes appeared
in the national article. In my opinion, they constitute the only thing
that could make me feel anything less than pure disgust for this trumped-up
pretty boy and his so-called "body of work."
it was my first real movie role. I only got the part because I
was the goalie for my team back home. It wasn't THAT bad, ok?"
"So what if
it ain't aging well? The kids loved it at the time. No plot? So
fucking what--it had a rockin' soundtrack! It's about ANGST, man! Real
disillusionment of youth. And I worked with Hopper, back before he became
a fucking Hollywood whore."
"Eh, well, I dunno
why I did this movie. But I did learn a lot about acting from those wooden
"Christ, I only
took the job because my agent said it was the same character as River's
Edge. I had bills to pay, ok?"
I really didn't understand what was going on the whole time, and I still
can't follow that movie, but I did get a peek at Uma's titties when she
was doing that scene with that guy who went bald."
"My agent said that
I was great, and I believe my agent. I got to drive a real hot rod in
this movie, and that was very fun."
& Ted's Excellent Adventure
"Let me tell you
something, for the amount of money I got paid for this fucking movie,
I get called 'Dude' way too much of the street. Can't those fucking idiots
remember me from any of my other work?"
Love You to Death and Tune in Tomorrow...
"Whaddya mean by
that? 'Two decent movies in spite of Keanu Reeves?' Fuck that River Phoenix
pussy! I could have had his role--I didn't want it! And that Columbo motherfucker--he
can blow me ten ways 'til Sunday. Fucking one-eyed fossil."
"I thought that
Johnny Utah was just such a cool character name! Huh? 'I made Pat Swayze
look like Olivier?" I don't get it--I was the star, right?"
"I was being Shakespearean
you fucking lowbrow cock. Gus fucked me in the editing room, I'm telling
& Ted's Bogus Journey
"Hey, DUDE, it paid
well. I just figured 'Fucking finally, man, just a few more of these cheese-ass
movies and I retire.' And I'm almost there."
"Last time I take
a co-starring role just to try for a piece of ass. And who the fuck was
that Coppola guy? Ain't he related to Nick Cave or something?"
"Hey, fuck them.
I'm PROUD of this movie. Listen up: I spent a lot of time working on this
role. I even read Hesse! AND I spent 20 hours at the goddamn 7-11 getting
my accent down!"
Cowgirls Get the Blues
"You CAN'T blame
me for this one, ok? Don't you even try. Everyone fucked up, OK? EVERYONE!!"
crowd loved me in this, so I don't wanna hear nothing about bad acting
in a bad movie. Did I tell you that I've got a real cool motorcycle? Yeh,
a Norton Commando, man. Cool, huh?"
course William Gibson should be ashamed of himself for being involved
in this movie. Duh. He's been peddling his ass to Hollywood for years!
But I wasn't THAT bad, was I?? Look at what science fiction did for Harrison
I'm STILL convinced that
the primary lienholder on Keanu's
soul is our dear friend, Satan. Nothing will convince me otherwise, no
matter how bad-boy he acts in private.