The Unholy (and unlikely) Redemption
of Keanu Reeves

Long-time readers of CRANK know how much I dislike Keanu Reeves and his cult of bubble-head fans. Hush, now baby, don't you cry "boring"--I know it's not ground-breaking to declare hatred for a movie star. Toppling media darlings has many, many enthusiasts these days. But Keanu Reeves is an odd duck: while it seems that everyone with a brain hates him and his substandard performances, his fucking films make scads of cash. How does he get cast in roles that could've been executed by actors with far more talent and equal box-office draw?

After reading Crank #1 online, a man in LA sent me a taped interview he conducted with Keanu Reeves a few months back. Below, you will find excerpts taken from this July, 1995 conversation.

It was sent to me on the condition of unconditional anonymity, and I will defend my rights (under the umbrella of legitimate journalism) to keep my source confidential. The less volatile parts of the interview eventually appeared in a national pop culture publication that will remain unnamed. According to the original interviewer, the following quotes are Keanu's replies to a rapid-fire, "off-the-top-of-your-head" listing of his work; they were repressed by one of Keanu's handlers who had the good sense to threaten the interviewer with physical and professional harm if these quotes appeared in the national article. In my opinion, they constitute the only thing that could make me feel anything less than pure disgust for this trumped-up pretty boy and his so-called "body of work."

Youngblood
"Hey, man, it was my first real movie role. I only got the part because I was the goalie for my team back home. It wasn't THAT bad, ok?"

River's Edge
"So what if it ain't aging well? The kids loved it at the time. No plot? So fucking what--it had a rockin' soundtrack! It's about ANGST, man! Real disillusionment of youth. And I worked with Hopper, back before he became a fucking Hollywood whore."

Babes in Toyland
"Eh, well, I dunno why I did this movie. But I did learn a lot about acting from those wooden soldiers."

Permanent Record
"Christ, I only took the job because my agent said it was the same character as River's Edge. I had bills to pay, ok?"

Dangerous Liaisons
"Fucking frogs. I really didn't understand what was going on the whole time, and I still can't follow that movie, but I did get a peek at Uma's titties when she was doing that scene with that guy who went bald."

Parenthood
"My agent said that I was great, and I believe my agent. I got to drive a real hot rod in this movie, and that was very fun."

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure
"Let me tell you something, for the amount of money I got paid for this fucking movie, I get called 'Dude' way too much of the street. Can't those fucking idiots remember me from any of my other work?"

I Love You to Death and Tune in Tomorrow...
"Whaddya mean by that? 'Two decent movies in spite of Keanu Reeves?' Fuck that River Phoenix pussy! I could have had his role--I didn't want it! And that Columbo motherfucker--he can blow me ten ways 'til Sunday. Fucking one-eyed fossil."

Point Break
"I thought that Johnny Utah was just such a cool character name! Huh? 'I made Pat Swayze look like Olivier?" I don't get it--I was the star, right?"

My Own Private Idaho
"I was being Shakespearean you fucking lowbrow cock. Gus fucked me in the editing room, I'm telling you."

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey
"Hey, DUDE, it paid well. I just figured 'Fucking finally, man, just a few more of these cheese-ass movies and I retire.' And I'm almost there."

Bram Stoker's Dracula
"Last time I take a co-starring role just to try for a piece of ass. And who the fuck was that Coppola guy? Ain't he related to Nick Cave or something?"

Little Buddha
"Hey, fuck them. I'm PROUD of this movie. Listen up: I spent a lot of time working on this role. I even read Hesse! AND I spent 20 hours at the goddamn 7-11 getting my accent down!"

Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
"You CAN'T blame me for this one, ok? Don't you even try. Everyone fucked up, OK? EVERYONE!!"

Speed
"The chucklehead crowd loved me in this, so I don't wanna hear nothing about bad acting in a bad movie. Did I tell you that I've got a real cool motorcycle? Yeh, a Norton Commando, man. Cool, huh?"

Johnny Mnemonic
"Well, of course William Gibson should be ashamed of himself for being involved in this movie. Duh. He's been peddling his ass to Hollywood for years! But I wasn't THAT bad, was I?? Look at what science fiction did for Harrison Ford, man."

Editor's Note:
I'm STILL convinced that the primary lienholder on Keanu's soul is our dear friend, Satan. Nothing will convince me otherwise, no matter how bad-boy he acts in private.