You Thought You Could Steal From ME?!?

Example #1: The Printed Word

Veteran readers of CRANK will recognize the above clever little couplet as the subtitle to my first issue. (Actually, the original phrase was "Spreading my opinions like a Singapore whore spreads AIDS."*) If you never read the printed version--only 300 of you did--then go find the online version, which has this phrase featured prominently on the cover.

Over the summer, I got a small book of poetry by Frank Mansfield in the mail. It's nothing special--40 pages, strictly xerox, with an illustration of some drunk on the cover. The note inside was from Tim Wells, the publisher of this little piece of shit.

Tim writes: "Been enjoying the 3 issues of CRANK we've got in England so far. Good work!"

I'll say! It's such good work that you let one of your hack poet friends rip me off, AND THEN YOU WERE DUMB ENOUGH TO SEND IT TO ME. Which are you, Tim: stupid or naive? IF YOU'RE GOING TO STEAL FROM ME, AT LEAST HAVE SOME SUBTLETY ABOUT IT.

Write Tim Wells: [ADDRESS GONE]. Tell him that he should consider publishing work only from writers talented enough to create their own imagery. Oh, and be sure to mention how fucking dumb he is.

*One reader wrote to say that, as a native of Singapore, he takes offense to the phrase, noting that Singapore's prostitutes are some of the cleanest in the world. Whoops! Where's my head? I must've been thinking of one of those other countries, like Thailand. Sorry, Charlie.

Example #2: Electronic Thievery

The one thing that CRANK is most well-known for is the Trepanation article from #2; there was even a follow-up in CRANK #4. I won't bother explaining, since most of you are already familiar with it.

Imagine my surprise when a friend forwarded issue #2 of THOUGHT VIRUS to me. Jerked up as some electronic freedom fighting zine, Thought Virus is a typical piece of shit electronic zine, filled with reprints culled from the Internet and sprinkled with subpar editorial commentary. The editor of Thought Virus, some brat with the pen name of Jim Nightshade, had such a hard-on for CRANK #2 that he excerpted it, AND THEN CALLED IT HIS OWN.

As everyone knows, I have no problem with anyone reprinting anything from CRANK, so long as you cite the source. Not too much to ask, right? Well, Jim Nightshade not only reprinted without citing CRANK (a forgivable crime, certainly), but he repeatedly claimed that the article was his original work. Holy Crap! Talk about an infinite number of monkeys with an infinite amount of time on their hands--what are the chances that he and I BOTH wrote the SAME ARTICLE ON TREPANATION? Wowee! Quick, call the producers of Encounters--we've got a gen-u-ine phenomenon here!!

When I asked Jim Nightshade about his thievery he replied that I should "consider the flow of information through Cyberspace"--in other words, he had innocently passed along the excerpt.

Oh, yeh? Then why did you put your own name on it? And why did I find CORPSE-WATCH 2000 (from CRANK #1, as well as Hollywood Highball #1), excerpted and appended without credit? Huh, you dumb fuck? Well? IS IT BECAUSE YOU'RE A DUMB LITTLE BOY DESPERATELY LOOKING TO DISTINGUISH HIMSELF AMONG HIS OTHER DUMB LITTLE FRIENDS? OR ARE YOU JUST A FUCKING IDIOT?

I swear to God, if you lived in New York, "Jim," I would've found you and cracked open your fucking skull with a tire iron. And I am not kidding. Ask Amy--I was ranting and raving about it for days.

Write to "Jim Nightshade": [EMAIL EXPIRED]; [ADDRESS GONE]. Or call his piece of shit BBS at [DISCONNECTED]. Tell him that one of his "sources" sent you, and tell him that I'm still prepared to beat his fucking head into the pavement.

And that goes double for the rest of you. Just watch yourselves--I've got all the time in the world I need to hunt you down and hurt you. Someone will tattle on you...they always do.