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Oh, Just Fuck Steve McQueen.
Though I don't think it's reached a zenith quite yet, the hipster worship of Steve McQueen is already on my nerves. I know, I know--this very paragraph will inspire countless chuckleheads to run out and rent Bullitt, The Getaway and The Great Escape, but that's a risk I'll take. Really, now: if you're so far behind the trend that you're catching up by taking cues from a shut-in like me, then you're in bad fucking shape anyway.
Nonetheless, I'd like to help everyone along by identifying the next under-appreciated-cool-guy trend before it begins. No, it's not Lee Marvin--Eyewash broke that ground two years ago. James Caan? Not a bad choice, but not stellar.
No, it's time for everyone to appreciate Columbo. No, not Peter Falk. Columbo, the character. I know that Wim Wenders listed Falk as one of the ten best actors in the world. And yes, I know about the Columbo joke in Wings of Desire. No, I've never seen his brilliant performance in A Women Under the Influence (which, incidentally, was directed by 1971 guest star John Cassavetes and co-starred future Columbo guest stars Gena Rowlands and Fred Draper) and I have no intention of ever doing so.
I'm talking about Columbo, the TV detective. And if you never appreciated him in the past, maybe it's time you quit your job like I did and started watching A&E every afternoon. While I'd always enjoyed Columbo on a Sunday afternoon when I was kid, this work-at-home thing sure has made me a fanatic.
Fuck Mike Hammer. Fuck Quincy. Fuck McMillan and his Wife. Columbo is the only TV detective worth watching.
Here's the most complete Columbo episode guide I could find online. (Actually, it's two guides which I combined.)
Don't just peruse the episode titles and airdates--pay particular attention to the vast list of guest stars. Note Dick Van Dyke's appearance in "Negative Reaction," a fantastic episode. Or a pre-rehab Johnny Cash as a country-gospel singer in "Swan Song." If you like playing that Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game, try using Columbo instead--all roads truly lead back to the one-eyed detective.
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Episode |
Guest
Stars Gene Barry, Katherine Justice, Nina Foch Lee Grant, Harold Gould, Patricia Mattick Jack Cassidy, Martin Milner, Rosemary Forsyth Robert Culp, Ray Milland, Patricia Crowley Eddie Albert, Suzanne Pleshette, Kate Reid Ross Martin, Kim Hunter, Don Ameche Susan Clark, Richard Anderson, Leslie Nielsen Roddy McDowall, Ida Lupino, James Gregory Patrick O'Neal, Forrest Tucker, Janis Paige John Cassavetes, Blythe Danner, Myrna Loy Ray Milland, Bradford Dillman, Bob Dishy Robert Culp, Dean Stockwell, Valerie Harper Richard Basehart, Honor Blackman, John Williams Anne Baxter, Mel Ferrer, Kevin McCarthy Leonard Nimoy, Will Geer, Anne Francis Laurence Harvey, Jack Kruschen, Lloyd Bochner Martin Landau, Paul Stewart, Julie Newmar Vera Miles, Martin Sheen, Vincent Price Donald Pleasance, Gary Conway, Julie Harris Jackie Cooper, Ken Swofford, Joanne Linville Robert Culp, Robert Middleton, Louise Latham Jack Cassidy, Mickey Spillane, Mariette Hartley Jose Ferrer, Lew Ayres, Robert Walker Johnny Cash, Ida Lupino, William McKinney Richard Kiley, Michael McGuire, Rosemary Murphy Robert Conrad, Philip Bruns, Pat Harrington Dick Van Dyke, Antoinette Bower, Don Gordon Patrick McGoohan, Tom Simcox, Mark Wheeler Robert Vaughn, Patrick MacNee, Bernard Fox Oskar Werner, Martha Scott, Gena Rowlands George Hamilton, Lesley Ann Warren, Stephen Elliott Janet Leigh, Sam Jaffe, John Payne Hector Elizondo, Sal Mineo, Barry Robins Patrick McGoohan, Leslie Nielsen, Otis Young Ricardo Montalban, Pedro Armendariz, Jr., A. Martinez Jack Cassidy, Bob Dishy, Robert Loggia Robert Vaughn, Fred Draper, Diane Baker William Shatner, Lola Albright, Alan Manson Joyce Van Patten, Celeste Holm, Jeannie Berlin Theodore Bikel, Samantha Eggar, Sorrell Booke Ruth Gordon, Mariette Hartley, G.D. Spradlin Louis Jourdan, Shera Danese, Richard Dysart Trish Van Devere, Laurence Luckinbill, Patrick O'Neal Nicol Williamson, Tricia O'Neil, Kim Cattrall Clive Revill, Jeanette Nolan, Bernard Behrens Anthony Andrews Fisher Stevens Lindsay Crouse Robert Foxworth No data No data No data No data No data No data |
(1997)
An
Overanalysis
of Elvis Films
An
Underanalysis
of Elvis Films
Finally!
Columbo Worship
The
Centerfold That
Actually Ran
When the Fucking
Printers Pussied Out
For
the Editor,
A Vacation (of sorts)
Jeesh.
Some Ego
This Koyen Guy Has
Just
DON'T
Get Me Started,
Padre
Booze 'n' Medicinals: Watch Out!
It's
the
Small Victories
That Count
You
Can Bet
Your Ass I'm Unlisted
My
Favorite
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