What I Learned from Elvis Films

By Tom Bielavitz

Let's be straight--Elvis did not become Elvis the Icon because of his Top Ten Hits or his box-office draw. The Elvis Myth became such a large part of our pop culture because his life, perhaps more than any other, typifies the Rise and Fall of a Star. He truly lived the American Dream, full of requisite misappropriation and ridiculous pose.

How many people remember more than a handful of his tunes? Who can name any film other than Jailhouse Rock? No, the Elvis who is remembered is a country-boy turned plump pill-popper. The man who hurled a pool cue at a woman's breast. The man who ate fried pb&j sandwiches. The man who died on the shitter. Elvis is the American Dream. Not the dream of working hard and seeing the fruits of success; rather, the dream of hitting the Lotto and telling your neighbors to kiss your ass while you overextend your credit and still end up in the gutter.

So why bother with the movies? They're hardly the critics' faves. They're barely more than a string of music videos hanging tenuously around a threadbare plot. Well, you can still learn a thing or two from these films. For one, I learned that the world of Elvis--on film--is a world I'd much rather live in. I've gone to some pretty incredible lengths to stave off reality, but unfortunately--unlike Elvis--I can't just sing a little ditty and turn that frown upside down. Elvis' film world is one of sunny, carefree days and nights of kissing the prettiest girls in the world. And it gets crazier from there, each movie insulting my own real life a little bit more.

Here's what I learned from watching Elvis films.

Spinout
--Elvis could race cars
--Elvis was a combo leader
--Deciding between the Rich Girl, the kinky Sex Therapist and Rock 'n' Roll Drummer is enough plot for a feature film
--Racing a Cobra can make one think more clearly
--The Ventures were popular enough to warrant film knock-offs

Jailhouse Rock
--Convicts aren't all that bad

Viva Las Vegas
--Elvis was a speedboat racer
--Ann-Margaret shaking her ass is enough plot for a feature film
--Trading Places was not an original movie idea

Kid Galahad

--Elvis could take a punch, but couldn't throw for shit
--Watching Elvis' neck snap back and forth is actually very funny
--Charles Bronson could never act
--Even with broken hands, Charles Bronson is compelled to seek revenge

Change of Habit
--If nuns looked like Mary Tyler Moore, I'd try to score a little
--Elvis played the bongos

Live a Little, Learn a Little
--Elvis was a photographer
--Sticking ping pong balls in a dog's mouth can make it look like its lips are raised in a snarl
--Someone involved in this production was on acid--witness the dream sequence for "Edge of Reality," a song ripe of covering by a band like the Fuzztones

Stay Away, Joe
--Red face paint can make Elvis an Indian
--Red face paint can make Burgess Meredith an Indian
--Everything is better with liquor
--Throwing your fists around is the best way to start an argument
--Throwing your fists around is the best way to settle an argument
--Seducing 16-year olds is fine for Injuns

Girls, Girls, Girls
--Elvis was a fisherman
--You only need two girls in a film that really calls for three girls in the title
--Elvis has no problem being crushed between two boats--his chest is made of iron
--Half a gallon of chianti makes this movie somewhat tolerable

The Trouble With Girls
--Elvis was a carny
--This movie would make a fantastic sleeping pill substitute--I slept through it twice

Harum Scarum
--Elvis was an Arabian adventurer/movie star
--Rather than walk away from a chained leopard, Elvis instead karate-chops it into submission; I don't really understand why
--Smorgasbord is not only the epitome of chauvinist songwriting, but features the most unwieldy chorus imaginable: "smooooor-gaaas-booooord"

Easy Come, Easy Go
--Elvis was a friend to hippies and beatniks, but only the sanitized, Hollywood type
--One can watch an Elvis film over and over again; this film, at least

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