Spoil Sport
A helpful guide to movies you may have missed.

By Dan Kelly and Jeff Koyen

Alien
Sigourney and the cat get away. The alien is blown out an airlock.

Aliens
Sigourney, the girl, the robot and the marine get away. The aliens are blown up.

Aliens3
Sigourney has been impregnated with an alien all this time. She jumps into a smelter as an alien bursts out of her chest.

The Andromeda Strain
Labored breathing prevents infection.

Angel Heart
DeNiro is the Devil. Mickey Rourke goes to Hell.

Apocalypse Now
Martin Sheen kills Brando and then blows up the village.

Babe
They eat the pig.

Bad Lieutenant
Loan sharks kill Keitel, in spite of his good deed at the very end.

Barfly
He ends up at the bar.

Barton Fink
John Goodman is the killer and is presumed to have a head in his valise.

Basic Instinct
Sharon Stone really did kill all those people. She and Michael Douglas live happily ever after.

The Beguiled
Clint has his leg amputated. He dies.

Blow Out
She dies.

Blue Velvet
Kyle MacLachlan shoots Dennis Hopper.

Body Double
It's a set-up.

Brazil
It's all taking place in Jonathan Pryce's mind. He's been driven insane during interrogation.

Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia
Warren Oates dies.

Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
They really do die.

Charlotte's Web
They eat the pig.

Clockers
The drunk brother killed the guy.

A Clockwork Orange
He becomes evil again.

The Collector
She dies.

The Conversation
The lovebirds are plotting to kill the hubby, not the other way around.

The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover
The abusive husband kills the lover and she makes him (the hubby) eat the lover's body.

The Crying Game
It's a cock. Big deal.

Dead Again
She's actually the reincarnated guy.

The Deer Hunter
Christopher Walken loses that last game of Russian Roulette.

Deliverance
The guitarist dies. Burt Reynolds dies. Jon Voight murders an innocent cajun, but survives. Ned Beatty survives with the knowledge of what it's really like to be a woman (or a sheep).

Dr. Strangelove
The world ends. Dr. Strangelove can walk again.

The Duel
Dennis Weaver tricks the truck driver into driving off a cliff.

East of Eden
Raymond Massey has a stroke. James Dean becomes a dutiful son.

Easy Rider
They die.

The Empire Strikes Back
Luke loses a hand. Darth Vader is Luke's father.

The Exorcist
Max von Sydow dies. Father Demian takes a lethal dry dive out the window with the demon inside him.

Eye of the Needle
Donald Sutherland dies.

Eyes of Laura Mars
Tommy Lee Jones is the killer.

Fargo
Steve Buscemi is killed by his psycho partner and put through a wood chipper.

Fried Green Tomatoes
The evil husband was turned into barbecue and eaten by the cop.

The Fugitive
The best friend is responsible for the wife's murder.

Ghost
Patrick Swayze avenges his own murder, but is still dead. He goes to heaven after finally saying "I love you" to his wife. Demi Moore cries a hundred times.

The Graduate
Benjamin and what's-her-name ditch the wedding, get on a bus, and then realize that they don't know what the hell they're going to do next.

Heat
DeNiro dies.

Henry, Portrait of a Serial Killer
Henry kills his girlfriend and stuffs her in a suitcase.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers
The cops believe his story and mobilize. (In the original cut, nobody believed him and the movie ended on a hopeless note. But that conclusion--allegorically allowing the Reds the win--was too depressing for Cold War America, so they added the uplift.)

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (remake #1)
Donald Sutherland gets snatched.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (remake #2)
Gabrielle Anwar appears topless. Oh, and a bunch of other things happen.

Jaws
Quinn dies. Roy Scheider shoves an oxygen tank into the shark's mouth, shoots it, and blows the shark up. Richard Dreyfuss is okay.

Kids
The friend fucks the AIDS-girl at the end. Ha ha ha ha ha. Stupid stupid stupid fucking movie.

Killing Zöe
The bad guy dies. Eric Stoltz gets the girl. And AIDS! Ha ha ha ha.

The Last Seduction
The hick married a man in New York. Linda Fiorentino gets away.

Leaving Las Vegas
She gets raped. He dies.

Lolita
Humbert shoots Quilty. Lolita is happily married and knocked up.

The Manchurian Candidate
The brainwashed guy shoots his parents instead of the candidate. Then he kills himself.

Marathon Man
Dustin Hoffman shoots Laurence Olivier.

Midnight Cowboy
Dustin Hoffman dies.

Natural Born Killers
Micky and Mallory get away, shoot Robert Downey and get away again.

Nightmare on Elm Street 1-6
Um, Freddy's not really dead.

Night of the Living Dead
The black guy survives, only to be shot by zombie hunters.

No Way Out
Kevin Costner is Uri.

The Odessa File
Jon Voight's father was the soldier shot by the Nazi during the flashback.

Old Yeller
They shoot the dog. You cry.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
Big Chief smothers the lobotomized Jack Nicholson, then escapes.

The Piano
Holly's fingers are chopped off. She marries Harvey Keitel and talks again.

Pink Flamingoes
Divine eats dog shit.

Planet of the Apes
Er, it's Earth.

Presumed Innocent
The wife killed the mistress.

Primal Fear
The kid is faking the multiple personality thing. He's really a bad motherfucker.

Pulp Fiction
1st Ending: Jules and Vincent keep the suitcase. Tim Roth and Amanda Plummer are redeemed. 2nd Ending: Uma gets a big needle plunged into her heart. She lives. 3rd Ending: Bruce Willis and Maria De Medeiros get away. John Travolta is killed by Bruce.

Psycho
His mother's corpse is stuffed in the basement; Norman is a transvestite.

The Quiet Earth
Only people on the verge of death survived the "effect." Zac, the main survivor, tricks his two co-survivors into staying and really dying during the final transformation. He emerges, alone, on a new planet. Credits roll.

Reservoir Dogs
Mr. Orange is the cop. Everybody dies.

The Return of Martin Guerre
He really is an impostor.

Rosemary's Baby
The baby is the Devil's son. Duh.

Seven
Brad Pitt's wife's head is in the box. Pitt kills John Doe.

Shallow Grave
The money is buried under the kitchen floor.

The Shining
Olive Oyl and the kid escape. Scatman eats an axe. Jack freezes to death. Closing scene shows Jack in a photo taken fifty years earlier at the hotel.

Silence of the Lambs
The bad guy is making a suit made from fat women's skin. Jodie kills him. Lecter escapes.

The Sting
They don't really die.

Summer of '42
Her hubby dies in WWII. She fucks the kid, then moves away.

Talk Radio
He's shot and killed.

Taxi Driver
Travis fails to kill the Candidate. Instead, he kills the pimp and his cronies while rescuing the young Jodie Foster. Ironically, he becomes a hero.

Terms of Endearment
She dies. You cry.

Third Man
Harry Lime is alive. Joseph Cotten shoots him.

Touch of Evil
Orson Welles is caught and killed.

Trainspotting
Renton takes the money and runs.

Tree's Lounge
See Barfly.

Twin Peaks
Her father killed her. He is possessed by Bob.

The Usual Suspects
Everyone dies. Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze.

Videodrome
He kills himself.

Von Ryan's Express
Frank Sinatra dies.

Voyager
Julie Delpy (the daffy blonde chippie) is Sam Shepard's daughter.

War of the Roses
They die.

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
They don't really have a son. They were just playing with their guests' heads.

Widow's Peak
Natasha Richardson is Mia Farrow's daughter. It's a scam.

Wild at Heart
Sailor and Lula live happily ever after.

Withnail & I
"I" gets a job. Withnail is left behind.

The Wizard of Oz
It was all a dream.

The World According to Garp
He dies. And that's where it ends.