Teenage Boy Beat-off Films (circa 1982-1987)
About Last Night
Demi Moore shows
it off in a big way. (Note also, Blame It on Rio for a sample of
her earlier, tamer flaunting.)
I hadn't planned
to mention this film, released in 1987, the tail end of my own adolescence,
but it kept coming up in conversation. And rightly so--that Lisa Bonet
sure could shake it! It's a wonder Mickey Rourke didn't lose an eye on
one of those nipples. And that poor chicken! Ouch! Certainly a favorite
for most males.
Never saw it myself,
but other men reminded me that there was a brief nude scene (infamous
in its day, as I recall) that provided under-the-sheets fantasy fodder
for many young men of the time.
I don't recall how
I saw this movie as a young teen, but I did. It was a regular smorgasbord
for the youthful libido.
Cat People (remake)
finest work, if such a statement can be made with a straight face. I still
get a tingle when I think of her strutting around naked.
A Clockwork Orange
Sorry, but I was
just a kid. I know it's rape--but hey, at the time, titty was titty. No
Fast Times at Ridgemont
Every young man
fell head-over-hard-on for Phoebe Cates' upper-half during that poolside
fantasy scene. The embarrassment that Judge Reinhold's character was beating
off at the same time was inconsequential--she was too irresistible to
keep your drawers on. And don't forget young Jennifer Jason Leigh's bathhouse
sex scene, in which she sets a precedent for, uh, er, later "revealing"
Friday the 13th
And that also goes
for any of the early-80s slasher movies that featured--under studio contract,
one could assume--at least one nude scene. It was something to count on,
that flash of flesh, while you tolerated the otherwise miserable attempts
at suspense and horror.
I Spit on Your Grave
Eek. My thanks to
Tom for jarring this little gem from my repressed memories. In terms of
sexuality, it's worse than A Clockwork Orange, with a first half
that is pure nastiness toward women and a second half revenge plot that
climaxes with a castration. Not exactly erotica, you know? But, as I said
above, titty was titty...
Lots of topless
shots and ridiculous love scenes. But that's what us teenage boys craved.
And here's where we found it.
The Name of the Rose
I had no problem
with Christian Slater's bare ass in the interest of spying Valentina Vargas'
bare everything else.
9 1/2 Weeks
A terrible, terrible
movie. And only mediocre nudity, but it sufficed in its day.
And, to a lesser
extent, the sequels: Porky 2: The Next Day and
Porky's Revenge. With this first movie, though, a genre was defined:
the zany teenage titty-caper movie. And for several years in the early
'80s, at least one of these movies could be found on at least one of the
major cable movie channels each weekend night. Porky's is also, in my
opinion, the father of the beach-titty films, as perfected with Spring
Quest for Fire
But lots of skin (well, mud-covered skin, but shapely nonetheless.) Also
an overplayed HBO favorite, if I recall correctly.
If you manage to
remove Tom Cruise from your line of sight, Rebecca De Mornay remains a
beauty. But did she actually show anything? Or am I having false recollections?
Don't matter--I'd never sit through this movie again, naked Becky or not.
See A Clockwork
Orange for my half-hearted justification.
Hardbodies. Hardbodies 2. And all the rest of them. This
movie was a stroke of marketing genius from Hollywood--a Beach Blanket
Bingo for titty-hungry, cable-ready Americans; the big-screen Baywatch
of its day. And the perfect flick for teen boy yanking.
I remember this
movie as an HBO mainstay, probably the most jerked-off-over flick of the
year. Granted, it hasn't aged very well--featuring very little titty and
no real sex scenes--but at the time, it got my youthful engine a-rip-roarin'!
Valerie Quennessen, the "other woman," is probably responsible
for imprinting me with a lust for smaller chickies; those big eyes, that
slight frame, those fantastic boobs! Yow! Unfortunately, much like this
movie, Ms. Quennessen didn't age very well; she appeared just so ordinary
in the first Conan movie, and hasn't done much on this side of the Atlantic
since. Still, she's still worth a second look. Even as an adult. As a
note of interest, this 1982 movie features the ominous Daryl Hannah line:
"I used to dream I was a mermaid." Now that's foreshadowing.
According to Tom, another infamous HBO filler, no doubt kept in circulation
for its nudity content. I've never seen it, but the summaries describe
it as a reworked version of John Fowles' The
an incredible coincidence--I'm reading that very book at the time of this
Ask any grown man
and he should admit--in understandably hushed, guilty tones--to having
enjoyed the pleasure of Bo Derek's overexposed chest.
It's not just Maryam
D'Abo's big-screen debut, but also the debut of her privates. Forget Sharon
Stone and that pitiful little bush shot. What a looker!
research/confessions by Tom Bielavitz.