What a Jerkoff!
Favorite Teenage Boy Beat-off Films (circa 1982-1987)

About Last Night
Demi Moore shows it off in a big way. (Note also, Blame It on Rio for a sample of her earlier, tamer flaunting.)

Angel Heart
I hadn't planned to mention this film, released in 1987, the tail end of my own adolescence, but it kept coming up in conversation. And rightly so--that Lisa Bonet sure could shake it! It's a wonder Mickey Rourke didn't lose an eye on one of those nipples. And that poor chicken! Ouch! Certainly a favorite for most males.

Blue Lagoon
Never saw it myself, but other men reminded me that there was a brief nude scene (infamous in its day, as I recall) that provided under-the-sheets fantasy fodder for many young men of the time.

Caligula
I don't recall how I saw this movie as a young teen, but I did. It was a regular smorgasbord for the youthful libido.

Cat People (remake)
Nastassja Kinski's finest work, if such a statement can be made with a straight face. I still get a tingle when I think of her strutting around naked.

A Clockwork Orange
Sorry, but I was just a kid. I know it's rape--but hey, at the time, titty was titty. No apologies here.

Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Every young man fell head-over-hard-on for Phoebe Cates' upper-half during that poolside fantasy scene. The embarrassment that Judge Reinhold's character was beating off at the same time was inconsequential--she was too irresistible to keep your drawers on. And don't forget young Jennifer Jason Leigh's bathhouse sex scene, in which she sets a precedent for, uh, er, later "revealing" film appearances.

Friday the 13th
And that also goes for any of the early-80s slasher movies that featured--under studio contract, one could assume--at least one nude scene. It was something to count on, that flash of flesh, while you tolerated the otherwise miserable attempts at suspense and horror.

I Spit on Your Grave
Eek. My thanks to Tom for jarring this little gem from my repressed memories. In terms of sexuality, it's worse than A Clockwork Orange, with a first half that is pure nastiness toward women and a second half revenge plot that climaxes with a castration. Not exactly erotica, you know? But, as I said above, titty was titty...

My Tutor
Lots of topless shots and ridiculous love scenes. But that's what us teenage boys craved. And here's where we found it.

The Name of the Rose
I had no problem with Christian Slater's bare ass in the interest of spying Valentina Vargas' bare everything else.

9 1/2 Weeks
A terrible, terrible movie. And only mediocre nudity, but it sufficed in its day.

Porky's
And, to a lesser extent, the sequels: Porky 2: The Next Day and
Porky's Revenge. With this first movie, though, a genre was defined: the zany teenage titty-caper movie. And for several years in the early '80s, at least one of these movies could be found on at least one of the major cable movie channels each weekend night. Porky's is also, in my opinion, the father of the beach-titty films, as perfected with Spring Break.

Quest for Fire
Wretched movie. But lots of skin (well, mud-covered skin, but shapely nonetheless.) Also an overplayed HBO favorite, if I recall correctly.

Risky Business
If you manage to remove Tom Cruise from your line of sight, Rebecca De Mornay remains a beauty. But did she actually show anything? Or am I having false recollections? Don't matter--I'd never sit through this movie again, naked Becky or not.

Road Warrior
See A Clockwork Orange for my half-hearted justification.

Spring Break
Spring Break. Hardbodies. Hardbodies 2. And all the rest of them. This movie was a stroke of marketing genius from Hollywood--a Beach Blanket Bingo for titty-hungry, cable-ready Americans; the big-screen Baywatch of its day. And the perfect flick for teen boy yanking.

Summer Lovers
I remember this movie as an HBO mainstay, probably the most jerked-off-over flick of the year. Granted, it hasn't aged very well--featuring very little titty and no real sex scenes--but at the time, it got my youthful engine a-rip-roarin'! Valerie Quennessen, the "other woman," is probably responsible for imprinting me with a lust for smaller chickies; those big eyes, that slight frame, those fantastic boobs! Yow! Unfortunately, much like this movie, Ms. Quennessen didn't age very well; she appeared just so ordinary in the first Conan movie, and hasn't done much on this side of the Atlantic since. Still, she's still worth a second look. Even as an adult. As a note of interest, this 1982 movie features the ominous Daryl Hannah line: "I used to dream I was a mermaid." Now that's foreshadowing.

Tattoo
According to Tom, another infamous HBO filler, no doubt kept in circulation for its nudity content. I've never seen it, but the summaries describe it as a reworked version of John Fowles' The Collector, an incredible coincidence--I'm reading that very book at the time of this writing.

10
Ask any grown man and he should admit--in understandably hushed, guilty tones--to having enjoyed the pleasure of Bo Derek's overexposed chest.

Xtro
It's not just Maryam D'Abo's big-screen debut, but also the debut of her privates. Forget Sharon Stone and that pitiful little bush shot. What a looker!

Additional research/confessions by Tom Bielavitz.