For Boys Only

Goddamn it! Why didn't anyone ever tell me what a clitoris was?! If I had just known how to get girls off when I was 15, I could've had so much sex. All those stilted groping sessions...all those unfulfilled erections...all those awkward hook-ups...they all could've ended with sex if I had just known about the clit.

No one told me about it when I was a teenager. No one ever spoke about it. I doubt any of us had much practical knowledge about cunts--not to mention clits--until we started having regular sex in college. Every once in a while, before my college education had commenced, I'd come across a young woman who really enjoyed herself, usually by rubbing herself against my leg, or, if I was lucky, when I was fingering a chick, I'd hit a good spot by accident. Usually, though, we'd just grab each other and, eventually, go our separate ways, both equally confused by the encounter.

So, for the sake of my younger male readers, I'm providing this simple road map to help them find their dates' clitorii. Don't be scared by the illustration--no, it's not a real woman's privates. It's some other kind of wound. I'm using this picture for three reasons: 1) I'm afraid that by associating an actual picture of a woman's parts with the discussion of underage sex, I may violate those pesky kiddie-porn laws again; 2) none of my lady friends would agree to pose; and 3) for most young men out there, the damned thing may as well look like this. Stitches and all.

Clip this and give it to your favorite 13-year old boy. Teachers: Feel free to distribute this to your classes. No additional permission is necessary. Really. I consider it a service.

1: Start in the obvious place: the mid-region. Gently slip your favorite finger inside. Gently glide your fingertip up to the top of the opening. 2: Gently bring your fingertip to the top "seam." Feel around for a small bump--this varies, so be patient. Some women have very pronounced clits; others' are less distinct and more, um, slippery. 3: Rub your fingertip around Gently until she twitches a bit. If you find it, you'll know. If you don't find it, then at least you tried and, if you're lucky, she'll know you tried. If you're more lucky, she'll help you find it. Keep rubbing GENTLY. Until you get the hang of it, consistency is more important than speed or pressure. When and if you become better acquainted with this lovely lady, you'll figure out what she likes and dislikes. That's the fun of it, pal, so keep at it.

Good luck. And happy hunting.