Best Way to Lose a Day's Work
Buy a Mattress from Sleepy's

Shitty's Is More Like It. If we had just bought the expensive goddamn mattress in the first place, the money saved on trips to the chiropractor would've more than made up for the four-figure price tag. But they were lean times, and the $300 spinal-cord-killer seemed the right--no, the only--choice. Well, after six years of hills and valleys formed of dead and dying springs and countless nights of shrimp-like, scrunched sleeping trying to find the last comfort zone, we finally decided to take the plunge and buy a decent mattress.

A colleague directed us to Fredrick Furniture on 31st St., but by the time we'd arrived, the gate was down. Being impulsive consumers, we refused to accept the delay, so we found ourselves in Sleepy's on Park Ave. To be fair, the shopping experience wasn't half bad: Willie, our salesman, wasn't so pushy that we high-tailed it out of the dank, dreary basement showroom. We found a comfortable full-sizer, priced to move at $899 including tax and delivery.

Along with the high cost of city living, one's hope for a cherry co-op buy-in and tales of rude cab drivers, delivery nightmares are among the core material for Manhattan residents' barside griping sessions. Time Warner was once among the worst offenders, second only to Bell Atlantic. Funny thing, though, is that both of those monopolist service providers have cleaned up their acts over the last few years. Now, Time Warner offers promptness guarantees. And the phone guys? Our last few experiences with line installation and maintenance have been downright pleasant. And even prompt. So who the fuck does Sleepy's think they are?

Our appointment was for noon. "But," the dispatcher fessed the night before our scheduled day, "I like to allow two hours on either side." Well, two hours would've been fine. Even four hours wasn't a deal-breaker. But when 5 o'clock rolled around--and we still had to go to work for a few hours of keyboard punching--and the dispatcher was now cadging another two hours, that's when we hung up, called the Park Ave. location and told them to kiss our ass.

There is an irony at work in this situation: Mattress wholesalers were among the first businesses to successfully eliminate the brick and mortar storefront and, instead, concentrate on prompt delivery of cheaper products. Now, with the Web in every living room, home delivery has become a genuine revolution in consumerism, and with every conceivable consumer product being sold via modem, the sluggish, arrogant behemoths like Sleepy's can eat us.

Fuck you, Sleepy's. Fuck you for the day we lost at work. And fuck you for making us feel like chumps for our folly of trusting a chain store to deliver on their promise. Next week, as soon as the boss forgets this lost day and we can sneak out on another, we're going back to Fredrick during business hours. And if they don't have what we want, then we're going online.

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